It’s Friday! Even better, the Friday before a long weekend, meaning it’s an ideal time for polluting your brain with some top-shelf Automotive Would You Rather! In fact, this week I’m making sure to do one because I found out that, of all things, our own Bishop has a kid who he said expects these every week, so I can’t let a nine-year-old down, right? Of course I can’t. So let’s get to it!
Scenario One
You decide to take your current target of your affections to the zoo, in the hopes that perhaps you’ll encounter some monitor lizards or some equally sexy animals going at it, hopefully getting everyone in the mood. While craning you neck to try and see if the ocelots are up to anything interesting, you accidentally dump the eight pounds of beef jerky you shoplifted from a 7-11 right in front of a sleeping ocelot.
The ocelot is, of course, thrilled to be awoken by the meaty bounty, and reveals that in fact he is not an ocelot, but rather Tlalocelot, the Aztec-Peruvian ocelot god, working undercover for the Mesoamerican equivalent of OSHA. As a way of thanking you for all of the jerky, Tlalocelot scratches you across the chest with a long, golden claw.
He then tells you that this claw secretes a powerful magic unguent, and this magical unguent has the ability to give you a very specific power: You can materialize any car named for an animal, but when you do, the animal that it is named for will appear in your home.
So, that means you can have, say a free, perfect DeTomaso Mangusta, but when you get home you’ll need to trap and release the mongoose that’s running amok in your house. You can have a Mustang, if you’re ready to get a freaked-out horse from your apartment, or a Sunbeam Tiger, which should also be pretty challenging, or a Piaggio Ape (actually, that one is easier than you think, because Ape is Italian for bee) or a Corvette Sting Ray, if you don’t mind a sea creature dying noisily on your carpet.
So, any animal-named car you want – as many of them as you want – but you have to figure out what to do with the animals this creates. I mean, if you like Beetles, it’s easy, but if you want to start a Jaguar collection, I hope you have a friend over at animal control.
Scenario Two
For the past three months, you’ve been sneaking into a really exclusive gym, one full of the richest people you’ve ever encountered in your life. You become acquainted with a guy who seems to be involved with every major automotive company and supplier you can think of, and you two talk about cars a lot.
One day you’re playing handball with the guy, when he smacks the ball so hard at your face it lodges in your throat, causing you to vomit it out in a powerful geyser. He slips on the vomit, falling on his back, which knocks his phone out of his pocket, which ricochets off his leg, then bounces to his nose, the tip of which happens to punch in his passcode and click on a video to play.
The video is him and some business partners outlining an incredibly corrupt plan to control the automotive supplier market, along with a sideline in human trafficking and forging ancient Etruscan pornography. It’s extremely damaging stuff – that Jared guy from Subway was in the videos, even – and you’ve just seen it all.
The guy’s in a panic that you’ll talk, so he makes you a deal: he can get you any – and he means any – car you want for free, delivered right to you, registered and with no questions asked. It’s great!
Oh, but there’s one catch: the car will be disassembled. See, he can get absolutely everything, but the car will be in a form close to a CKD (Completely Knocked Down) kit, so you’ll have to assemble it yourself.
Look, if you want to get two and use one as payment to have someone build yours, that’s fine, whatever – just keep your mouth shut about what you saw, okay? You can have up to a delivery a month, if you want, even!
If you blab, though, he’s probably going to have you killed, by the way. Just so you know.
I’ll go with a Testarossa. The car would be fun to cruise around in and I’m sure I could figure out something to do with Amy Adams or Amanda Righetti…..
The animal option is the logical choice because there is no clause forbidding me from selling the vehicle
so basically clean out the valuable stuff from the appartment,
then say several times
corvette stingray
Mc Laren Spider
Ferrari Spider
Hudson Wasp
Hudson Hornet
Plymouth Barracuda
put on some heavy clothes. pitchfork and a vacuum (for the hornets and so on)
clean the place
sell the cars,
and get what I really want
Much easier than having dream cars in pieces and then finding somebody to assemble them
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I could never pass up the chance to have a Kaiser Jade Dragon.
Egad, so much talk in the comments about killing the animals or engaging in animal trafficking, not to mention the human trafficking involved in option #2. Good grief. What gives with the relish evident in such comments?? At least there were some comments about animal sanctuaries, restoring extinct or endangered animals, & punitive justice for the predator in option #2, so humanity gets a little redemption…
And nobody’s mentioned the AMC Gremlin?? Dubious about the wisdom of conjuring up a creature whose raison d’être is to wreak havoc with any machinery including cars. Nonetheless, it’d be pretty interesting, whether they be Joe Dante’s gremlins, Bugs Bunny’s gremlin, or other iterations.
These are both great.
A) a way to completely rejuvenate near-extinct species (or completely extinct! Ford Raptor anyone?) while also destroying the antique car market and returning the ability of collectors to buy whatever. (BTW – people are animals, can I get any Ford?)
B) infinite adult Lego sets.
I have some questions. I very much want an old aircooled Beetle but real beetles have a short lifespan. So as much as I’m happy to house and care for a real life beetle, does the car vanish when the animal expires?
Also, I’m surprised nobody has mentioned this but, humans are animals. Therefore, the correct answer (if one prefers women) is the Mercury Cougar.
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Worst deal I can think of on 1: Mercury Cougar. You get an ok to lousy car depending on the year. And when you get home, something is hiding in the dark corners, hunting you.
Anyone got a worse one?
> Anyone got a worse one?
Toyota Corona.
Sure, I could check Wikipedia on my phone for cars named after the tamest animals. What if that wasn’t an option, though? Not knowing about obscure cars off the top of my head, I’ll just go for a Range Rover SV, and hope I come home to a friendly Portuguese Water Dog or Soft-Coated Wheaten Terrier.