It’s time once again for Shitbox Showdown! (I feel like we need some catchy theme music here. I’ll work on that). Today, the internet classified gods have smiled upon us, granting us a perfect matchup — two old-school body-on-frame police cars, one Ford, and one Chevrolet. Both are well under $1000, and both are — like so many of their former backseat passengers — thoroughly busted.
But first, a quick programming note: I’m writing these the evening before, since I’m on the west coast and I don’t feel like getting up at 4 AM, even for this sweet gig. So I’m placing a cutoff time for votes at around 6 PM Pacific time, when I get home from my day job and start writing. What this means is, vote early… and vote often.
Right, so with that, let’s take a look at yesterday’s results:
Oof. Bad start for Chrysler. Two losses in a row. Lots of commenters rose to the PT Cruiser’s defense, but it was the yellow Buick’s pitted-chrome snout that crossed the finish line first, even with a bad tranny.
Let’s meet today’s contestants:
Walking With A Panther – 2009 Ford Crown Victoria – $800
No vehicle’s headlight pattern is more feared than that of the Ford Crown Victoria. See one of these in your mirror, and you instinctively let off the gas. Never mind the fact that the “Panther” platform on which it’s built has been out of production for ten years and there aren’t many left in police service. This car has been the de-facto automotive face of law enforcement since the late Renaissance (seriously, the Medicis had a fleet of Crown Vics to patrol Florence), and it’s going to take a generation or so to get that knee-jerk reaction to them out of the collective unconscious.
This particular Vic is one of the later models, which got such niceties as rack-and-pinion steering and some extra safety doodads. Since it’s the P71 “Police Interceptor” model, it also has a list of heavy-duty upgrades that would do Elwood Blues proud: extra cooling, bigger alternator, stiffer suspension, and a lower rear axle ratio. (These cars have a huge following, and I’m sure any number of enthusiasts can fill in the specifics, but suffice to say, it’s strong and good.)
But not all is well: According to the seller, this car has no compression on one cylinder, turning the 4.6 liter V8 into effectively a V7. No bueno. A gremlin of unknown malignancy has also taken up residence in the dash, and the cruiser needs a new windshield. But the seller says it runs, and hey, it only has to make it as far as the Cook County Assessor’s Office, right?
[Editor’s note: After nine hours of brain-wracking, I’m being told that Mark was apparently making an extremely random reference to the Blues Brothers (see below). Did anyone else get that? Have I been living under a rock?]
Shamu The Killer Whale – 1993 Chevrolet Caprice – $500
I don’t remember from whom I first heard the nickname “Shamu” for these cars, but it was not long after the redesigned 1991 B-body appeared. If you’ve ever seen one in black-and-white police livery, you’ll know how apt the name really is. This car isn’t really all that much bigger than its boxy predecessor, but it looks enormous.
As with the Ford, this car has a special equipment package for police work: Special Equipment Options code 9C1 in GM-speak. This is a whole host of heavy-duty goodies that make this car a bit stiffer and stronger than Grandma’s church cruiser. While of course the light bar and other cop-car bits are taken out of these cars when they retire from police use, departments often leave behind the coolest and most potentially useful gadget: the spotlight.Â
What this car doesn’t have, sadly, is the 260 horsepower LT1 V8 that would arrive under the hood just a year after its production. Instead, it makes do with (probably) a 205 horse 5.7 liter V8 or (maybe) the same 160 horse 4.3 liter V6 that finds a home in my old Chevy truck. Either way, you’ll have to outsmart the bad guys, because you probably won’t outrun them.
This car is a bit of an unknown, condition-wise, as it has been sitting for “a few years”. But hey, it’s $500, and it should look okay once you get all that good old Oregon moss off. That green gunk finds its way onto everything that sits for too long around here, but luckily it comes off with a power-washer.
So what will it be, Autopians? Limp home a broken Crown Vic, or tow home a derelict Caprice? Choose your weapon. And no saying “they both suck and I’m not voting;” that’s a cop-out.
Crown Vic. While the idea of getting a police Caprice (hey, that rhymed) is pretty cool, I’d rather have a car that sorta runs than having another car to get running again. Besides, there’s quite a few cars in the local scrapyard with the same Ford V8 so parts are going to be easy to get.
I got the Blues Brother’s Cook County reference in about half a second. Then I realized I haven’t see the movie in about 25 years. Hmmmmm.
Can’t help but think how great a Crown Vic would be with either a 4 or 6 BT Cummins.
I own an ex-cop Caprice about twenty years newer than that. Nothing is the same between the two cars, but I have always loved those big old b-bodies. It doesn’t have the LT1, but even that’s disappointing in the power numbers these days. I’d feel less bad about tossing an old 5.7 for something with more pep. Either car is a project, and the Caprice isn’t a small amount of work from functioning. That means it’s prime powertrain swap material! So I went for that one.
That said, I’d like to experience a Crown Vic before they shoot up in price. And regularly occurring “endurance” races where they get destroyed isn’t helping numbers.
Yes, you’ve been living under a rock. Or not living long enough, or well enough.
Anyway, Crown Vic. Tons of support, tons of inexpensive parts, plenty of upgrade options, and generally doggedly reliable. Any wonder they are both police and taxi favorites?
Having had a 1996 Roadmaster, I have a huge appreciation for these B-body cars. Sure, it’s got the more asthmatic engine, but those things had acres of interior and volumes of comfort. Panthers never really did much for me. Easy choice.
All things being equal, I’d take a Caprice – I’m kind of sick of Panthers and their journey from having meth heads in the rear seat to meth heads in the driver’s seat.
But things aren’t equal and that Caprice looks like they found it at the bottom of a lake with two missing people in it.
The Crown Vic is a potentially useful car, if you know how to fix it up. We at least know *something* about its condition. All we know about the Caprice is that it’s been sitting long enough to grow moss. Also, it’s 13 years older than the Crown Vic. Not even a contest.
That’s like 3-6 months worth of moss growth around here. Hell, it isn’t even furry yet. Doesn’t mean the car hasn’t been sitting longer than that, but as far as moss in western Oregon goes, that ain’t nothing.
Eek! And I thought Florida green was bad!
90’s Caprices are getting hard to find, but the moss is a “run away screaming” deal killer for me.
Clown Vic ftw.
Just because they’re hard to find, doesn’t mean I want one in my life.
Clean Panther vs clean Caprice, I’d probably go Caprice. But this is a no brainer, never buy a car covered in moss.
I really really really want to go Caprice – it was always a weird looking, bordering on interesting car in its police incarnation – but it it’s that mossy on the outside then it’s liable to be awfully mossy on the inside too. And having owned one in the long agos, it’s remarkably not-spacious. The floor of the trunk is high and half full of spare tire for instance.
I always thought a Panther would be a cool boat to do my long commute in. I don’t need the police livery though.
A weird part of me always wanted a Mercury Marauder.
I’ve got myself a nice, very well paying, traveling sales job and the only car I’d do it in is my 16 year old, civilian LX Sport. 116k miles and counting. Dependable, fun to drive, comfortable, dirt cheap to run. Also, if the stars align just right, everyone gets the hell out of my way. Did a set of rear axles, seals, and bearings in my driveway for $230 and a few hours a couple months ago. The passenger side seal let go and I did about 3000 miles before I got around to fixing it. When I pulled the OEM axle out, there hadn’t even been a groove worn in yet but I had already ordered the new axles for both sides.
Eww. Shitboxes indeed. Crown Vic I guess.
The 4.3 used in the Caprice was the L99 V8, not the 4.3 V6 as used in Chevy trucks.
Came here to say this.
Whoops, my mistake: the 9C6 taxi package came with the V6. You’re right, cop cars of this era were all V8s.
On a budget, I’d go with the Crown Vic and find an engine from a salvage yard. Lots of old Mustangs sitting around.
If I wanted to dump money into it, it’s getting a 6.7L Powerstroke and I’m going to Mad Max the shit out of it. Black on black paintjob. Remove the back seats and fit the biggest fuel tanks that will fit. Thick steel body armor welded all around the car, battering ram up front, bulletproof windows, manual transmission conversion, onboard mounted guns and flamethrower, perhaps surface to air missiles on the roof.
Could you actually fit a 6.7 and associated running gear in a Crown Vic? That would be badass if it were possible. I’ve got ’21 F250 with the 6.7, and the truck genuinely feels quick when not towing or hauling. I can’t imagine what that engine would be like in a 5,000 lb. car instead of a 7,500 lb. truck. It would probably be a deathtrap, as hitting the gas at any speed would break traction in the rear wheels. It would be a hell of a fun deathtrap, though.
Look up powerstroke Crown Victorias on youtube. It’ll fit. Not without lots of work though.
By the time I get done with it, it would have airbag suspension, an extra 2-3″ ground clearance, and be impervious to bullets and maybe even IEDs. With all the armor I’d put on it, it would be around 8,000 lbs. I’d also tune that Powerstroke to 1,000+ horsepower. Maybe it would get 30+ mpg at a steady 70 mph on smooth roads after all that was done. With 150 gallons or more of fuel capacity, it would be a true road warrior. Maybe it would be able to out-distance an MQ9 Reaper drone on a full tank under more spirited driving conditions.
Another engine possibility is an old-school mechanical injection Cummins, with the advantage of being EMP-proof and being able to run on kerosene, automatic transmission fluid, brake fluid, waste vegetable oil, motor oil, and whatever other crap you could throw into it to keep it running. THAT would be awesome.
You know, when I ask my wife to talk dirty to me, I want her to talk about stuff like Cummins swapping a Crown Vic.
I’ve never driven a Crown Vic but something always draws me to them, even (or maybe especially) the ones right at the end of the run.
It’s gotta be the Caprice for me. I still see P71 interceptors around fairly often but I can’t remember the last time I saw a Caprice of that gen out and about
I see SSs / Caprices around… but not Interceptors.
Re the editor’s note: Of course I got it immediately, and the fact that you didn’t makes me sad. You clearly need to watch the Blues Brothers, immediately. It is required viewing.
Fun fact about the scene at the Cook County Assessor’s office: the actor who played the clerk, is Steven Spielberg.
Funner fact: the prison guard at the beginning that gives Jake back his personal effects is Frank Oz.
Funnest fact: my hometown was mentioned in the movie. Jake went to prison supposedly to cover the ‘bar tab from that Kiwanis gig in Coal City’.
Additional fact: Coal City has never had Kiwanis. Lions, K of C, VFW. No Rotary club, no Elks, No Moose and never any Kiwanis.
Having owned and daily driven an 06 Lincoln Town Car for several years, and the Caprice being the weak engine and non running, gotta go Panther here
You have 100% been living under a rock. I might go as far as to say that you were born under one for not knowing that reference. I could forgive it if you worked for another news organization, but working in the automotive world? Shame.
Anyway, I would go with the Crown Vic, but more because I want to tear the body off and plunk down a 70s F-150 body on top of it.
I let you down.
There’s an easy way to rectify the situation, my friend. Just watch the movie a time or two. Classic car movie, main character car is a Mopar, and at time of release it had the record for most cars wrecked on a set, still sits at #3 on that list.
So you probably didn’t get the LL Cool J reference either…
When you’re done putting another 4.0 in the Cherokee do yourself a favor and unwind with the Blues Brothers. Maybe you can even find a Monaco with a slant 6 in some forlorn part of the world for your next project!
You gotta watch The Blues Brothers immediately. You’ll see the light!
I would rather pick the Caprice, a Merlin 672 engine swap away from ruling the strip and street. Plus I have a soft spot for GM.
Besides being a Ford person, the Crown Vic is way newer and nicer. Panther all the way!
Around here, the Crown Vic Police Interceptor was the standard taxicab vehicle, for a long time anyhow. Big, reliable, and cheap as they got retired from the police force.
Having owned a Caprice of this vintage, my vote must go to the Chevy. The one I had was blessed with the “large” V-8 and performed quite well for its day in age. The main thing though, was comfort, particularly on long trips. Drove mine from Southeast Kansas to New Orleans and back with my frau and 2 German visitors. They came away with nothing but good things to say and further stated that except for fuel costs they wouldn’t mind having one back in good ole’ Bavaria. High praise indeed.
Editor (is it David??) has indeed been living under a rock for not recognizing a Blues Brothers reference. Next you’ll be telling me that he doesn’t recognize quotes from Smokey and the Bandit.
There was even a prior Blues Brothers mention, so it wasn’t out of left field. I was flabbergasted.
Even though the caprice is closer to me, $300 more is worth a mostly running engine. I used to daily a 76 f250 with a “v7” and the non-firing cylinder was the least of my worries.
Crown Vic is the easy choice. It’s a junkyard engine swap away from being a Spec Panther racer.
If the Caprice owner gave me $500 to tow it out of his yard, I’d still walk away.