Oh, that fancypants Matt Hardigree. Whilst living his best life and making solid used car decisions, he picked up what is admittedly a fantastic score of a manual BMW 5 Series. I mean, Matt has been working in automotive media since the late ’70s, so it makes sense that he has this down to a science by now. He bought it from what appears to be the World’s Nicest Millennial Male Model, also. Everything about that transaction was just good-looking, clean, and smart. It was almost like those Big Pharma commercials where you see scenes of perfect-looking people doing lively, fun things, minus the narrator discussing truly horrifying side effects in the voice-over. The cleanness, the success of it all felt so rare here in Autopia.
Just to ensure the correct amount of mayhem is present around here and to provide a needed Beautiful Bayerische Motoren foil, I bought a car that is probably the most opposite iteration of the same body style (full size luxury sedan) and also in the opposite condition.
Fellow Autopians, I give you my new ‘94 Supercharged Buick Park Avenue Ultra.
Bought for $400 during the same week of Matt’s purchase, it’s the perfect counterweight to that ultra-sleek Bavarian sled. His is that beautiful silver gunmetal over gorgeous black leather. Mine is sun-baked rust & primer over molded/damp beige leather from a leaking moonroof.
Are these two cars even comparable? They certainly don’t compete with each other, but if we looked at pricing from when each was sold, they’re not too far off. The original MSRP for a 1994 BMW 5 Series was $35,350. Meanwhile, my badass Buick started at $31,864. Now here’s the real jaw-dropper: The ‘03 Park Ave came in at $39,725 while Matt’s car started at $38,295. The Buick was more expensive! We’ll touch more on that in our upcoming comparo piece, but for now, let’s look at this sweet score of an automotive treasure that I stumbled across last week.
The Beauty Of The <$1800 Daily Shitbox Search
I mean, its beauty really does speak for itself. Cheap is good ‘round these parts. Not that I’m trying to be a cheap-ass, but it’s just that usually cars in this bottom-of-the-barrel market position require a lot. The less you get them for, the more room you have to make some moves. This thing cost $400 with lost keys (and the best well-wishes.)
There was a title and a big ass stack of repairs included though! They listed a bevy of repairs that made me feel deeply sorry for the previous owner and also even more perturbed towards Roger Smith than Michael Moore probably still is.
Sifting through them, I found that this top-of-the-line Buick (that was a retirement purchase for an elderly couple) has needed the below dealer repairs in its 68,000 miles traveled (total) on this Earth:
- Crank sensor $276
- Trans solenoid $414
- Purge canister & solenoid $193
- Supercharger failure/replacement $1,394
- Rear wheel cylinders leaking $185
- Harmonic balancer $248
- Failed PCM $355
- Failed Traction Control Module (EBTCM) $881
That’s right, the elderly couple spent $3,946 on repairs in the first 68,000 miles. And that was in late 90s money. Those same repairs would cost $7,084.76 in 2023 dollars. The General certainly does not deserve a salute for that. Well, maybe a certain type of salute. It really shows you how far modern GM has come. Just imagine 68,000-mile 2018-2019 GM models costing that much for repairs in the first handful of years. Luckily for them, on a clear day, you can still see General Motors.
Hopefully, the mega-bummer that this thing has been so far in its abbreviated life is in the past and stays there. It’s a new day, a new beginning and a new century. And also, this car isn’t a Century.
A Green Car Greenhouse
After getting the title earlier in the week, the next step was to get the keys made. The previous owners have both passed on and the car has sat in their backyard for a hot minute as their next-of-kin and estate is settled by those that have survived them. And I mean a hot minute.
This is exactly the type of situation for the classic Gossin Motors Backyard Shitbox Auto Rescue.
The real-world “Last of Us” fungus pandemic is probably in there.
All four tires are flat and the wheels are sinking into the Carolina dirt. As mentioned above, the moonroof drains clogged and water was then diverted into the headliner (again, excellent contingency planning, GM.) At least three inches of standing putrid brown water sits on the left-rear foot well (look closely in the picture).
Look right behind the driver’s seat.
There is mold and mildew over every inch of the interior of the car; every electronic component and switch has been soaked in greenhouse heat and moisture for the past few years. Enough so, that the steel bars that form the backbone pivot point for the sun visors each rusted straight through and snapped.
Guess how great this smells.
Makin’ Moves
GM dealers no longer keep the VIN-indexed key codes for cars of this age, so only licensed locksmiths that pay have access to the Old GM Key Vault. Not sure about every dealer, so don’t take that as gospel, but that’s what the locksmith told me. $40 for the GM key codes and $120 for the blanks and the cuts later, I had a sweet set of new keys. The square for the ignition, the circle for the doors and the deck lid.
Things are progressing! A quick trip to the local Pick n’ Pull yielded me a $40 side-post used battery and my portable air tank proved that three out of four tires (holdin’ air) ain’t bad.
I tossed in the battery and decided to give it a twist to ensure that the starter engaged and to also see if (by a miracle) the fuel pump would hum after rotting in watery corn-gas for years. That turned out to be a big “nope!” and “nope!” Not surprised.
I Have To Have This Thing Ready For Moab…er Matt’s Comparison Piece
So that’s where we currently are with this supercharged, green leviathan. Does it run? Hard no. Will it run soon? Probably not. Will it ever run again? Possibly not. Will trying to make it run be totally worth it? Abso-frickin-lutely.
I’ll be towing it to The Evil Wrenching Lair (under that volcano in Wilmington, NC) this weekend and the fuel tank will be out of the car for the first time since it was installed in Wentzville, Missouri in ’93.
Buicks are famously known for being the “Doctor’s Car”, although I believe that I’ll probably need a doctor after spending any more time inhaling whatever is growing in the petri dish, er uh, interior. Both Matt and I were able to find adventure and find something to make us each smile this week. Think of this as our way of paying it forward as a motivational push to have you do the same.
Less than 1% of all cars sold in North America are green. I’m not sure how many, on average, are supercharged, but I can bet that it’s not a lot (Thomas Hundal would probably know – I should ask him). If I looked on my local sales platforms for that exact criteria, I don’t think I’d be able to find even one anywhere near me at any price point. This car is special, at least to me. It’s an Unholy Gossin Grail, if you will. Out of 118 cars I’ve had, this is the only one that I’ve found that is both green and supercharged.
And that’s gotta count for something.
All Photos: Stephen Walter Gossin
- Is The $1,200 Beat-To-Death Pontiac Grand Am For Sale In Every Town Worth It? I Found Out.
- How I Got Six Years Of Service Out Of A $220 Car
- What I Learned Trying To Flip Two Dirt-Cheap GM “J-Body” Coupes That Nobody Wants
- How I Saved A Once-$90,000 Mercedes SL I Bought For $1,900
- Why The Dirt-Cheap Broken Jaguar X-Type For Sale In Every Town Might Actually Be Worth Buying And Fixing
- I Took On A Bad GM Design In A Hail-Mary Attempt To Fix My Friends Broken Suburban But It Was Too Little Too Late
Make this into a series. Now! I implore. What are you waiting for?
Free time, clear weather, DT’s approval, a fully charged immune system, etc.
Seriously though, I plan on a follow-up piece on pulling the tank and headliner this weekend.
Thanks for reading and for the above!
You inspired me. I am buying a 1978 Fiat 124 Spider that i cant even open the hood on.
BTW does anyone know how to open ghe hood on a 197i Fiat 124 Spider with both hood releases broken?
I have no idea on the FIAT hood procedure, but I can assure you that you have made the correct move here.
A salute in your general direction , good sir! Cheers and best of luck.
Godspeed You Black Mold Emperor
When my spore minions arrive, the universe will quiver under my fierce grip of moldy power.
Thanks for reading and for the comment!
I’m glad you’re here to provide the kind of post Tracy wrote back before he became some kind of big shot. 🙂 Are weekly updates planned? I want to follow along like I hoped to do with the Ute project.
Probably not weekly (as DT has me busy with office duty around here) but the target is to have the fuel tank and headliner both out by this coming weekend.
I also have to wash the exterior immediately so that neighbors don’t start noticing and complaining about how rough it looks.
Regardless of how this turns out, it should be a fun project!
Thanks for reading and for the comment.
Man, when I thought it couldn’t get worse, every photo got scarier and scarier. Seems like there are enough of these around you could get a different one for $500 that isn’t a biohazard superfund site? Is this going to be a lemons style racecar, where you can throw the entire interior in the trash? It seems like this one will be hard to save.
Pulling the carpet, headliner and seats is a breeze on these cars. I’ll spray a little disinfectant/bleach solution in the under-dash/etc.
There are about 5 of them in every junkyard in America, so finding a cheap, tan leather interior should be cake.
A good exterior wash, a fuel system clean out and fresh oil and I’m betting she roars back to life to start on mile 68,623.
I’m pumped up about it!
So like… why tho. That car, even in great condition, is worth like 3k tops. Maybe 5 if it’s perfect and low miles. I don’t understand projects like this, you will never make your money back, considering how much time it is going to need. That’s fine if it’s an emotional purchase, but it doesn’t seem to be, and these are.. the opposite of rare. You can find them cheap, in good condition, all over the place for 2-4k with perfect paint and nice interiors.
You must not have been paying attention to his previous posts.
He doesn’t do it to make money, although that’s nice when it happens. He does it to keep older cars on the road.
But… why not just get a mint one with a bad transmission? What is the point of saving this? I don’t get it.
That’s the beautiful thing! You don’t have to get it!
He’s happy doing it. I’m fairly sure you would be unhappy doing it; hell, I would be unhappy doing it. Neither of us has to touch it, though.
A person I used to know would collect mummified animals. It was absolutely disgusting. He loved it, though.
People are weird, and they like weird things. The world would suck if we all had to do the same thing.
My man!
Mr. Asa gets it.
Not everything is about money. Sometimes a fun challenge to learn something new and to save an old car from the crusher is a worthwhile pursuit, regardless of the cost. I have a job for money.
There’s more here than just the linear thought process of “this thing costs x and and the alternative thing would cost y”.
There is value in building/rebuilding things with your hands. Especially so with cars when you have a passion for them A value that cannot be quantified and monetized.
Also, not to be too crass about it, but the point of running a website like this is to get people to click on it. A compelling story doesn’t necessarily have to be one you enjoy, or agree with. It just has to be something that gets you to click on it and read. Interesting subject matter, and a story well-told, are the name of the game, not choosing logical cars or fixing them in the most cost-effecive way, necessarily (though we could sometimes do with a little of that, too). And by that standard, this repugnant slime-filled nightmare of a Buick is already a success.
There are plenty of project cars for content, but I would think running a website based on traffic quantity, you would want to focus on a… oh… I don’t know… DESIRABLE CAR.
These weren’t even desirable when they were new, and even less so now.
I mean, I’d argue that I understand and support your POV, not that I get it. Personally, I would have sent that thing on to the crusher. Maybe I would have pulled the SC and/or drivetrain for the GRM $2000 Challenge, but that’s a slim maybe.
You do what you want, I’ll just sit a safe distance away from the biohazard site with your tetanus shot ready and some popcorn.
Articulated cup holders deploy from the center armrest, just like in my son’s old Buick — very cool!
I think I’d try to find a recently-deceased but well-cared-for sistership and transfer the interesting bits (i.e., supercharged engine). That car’s interior is a chronic lung disease waiting to happen.
I too find them cool, although they are always broken in the cars that I’ve owned that feature them (ex: Jag XK8).
Repairing them isn’t fun or easy either with an upholstery disassemble and small metal springs pushing on breakable plastic pieces.
One sunny, hot afternoon with a medical-grade mask, some disinfectant/cleaner/vinegar solution and some elbow grease and this thing will be fine.
Thanks for reading and for the comment!
I also helped pull a long-dormant car out of the Carolina dirt this weekend. In this case, was a 1987 Merkur XR4Ti sitting up to its hubs in a yard near Fuquay-Varina, NC, where it had sat since 2008. It’s a parts car for my friend’s running & driving XR4Ti project.
I too, have an 87 XR4ti sitting up to its hubs in dirt. Mine is in central Kansas though.
The “Foo-qwaay” (regional dialect) for the win!
I’ve had my share of shitboxes over the years, but I wouldn’t touch that pile without flamethrower.
It’s all about lowering your standards and seeing what’s down there, my dude.
That looks suspiciously like the car I helped pull out of an elderly neighbors basement garage after it flooded. It had been about a week before we got to it. The best way I could describe the car is terrarium. I’ll wrench a not rusted old car all day, but I wouldn’t go anywhere near that mold.
One sunny, hot afternoon with a medical-grade mask, some disinfectant/cleaner/vinegar solution in a spray bottle and some elbow grease and this thing will be fine.
Most of the accumulation is in the headliner, which is going to be first out.
Our ancient swamp-living ancestors weren’t scared of mold and we shouldn’t be either! Hear, hear!
Thanks for the the comment and for reading!
I love it! Just so nineties. Nice sleek design with almost as many windows and pillars as my Citroën XM had. And that classic Subaru color combination with green over silver is just cool!
Good luck with the project (thumbs up emoji)
This guy gets it!^
Thanks for the kind words and for reading, my dude!
There gotta be better ways of experiencing the Mushroom Kingdom than this. Go grab a Wii or something.
I’m taking this thing straight to Rainbow Road once I get it running.
I had three new Park Avenue Ultras from 1990 to 1994 as I recall. They were great cars and I put a ton of miles on them. There was an option for harder suspension ( I cannot recall the specific option) but I had it on all three. I managed to drop one down a shallow ravine so it actually went nose over tail a couple of times and ended up on its roof with a large rock through the moonroof beside my head. Good car to crash. I pulled myself out of my seatbelt ( tricky upside down) and crawled out of the thing with only some bad bruising.
This is by far the most interesting and death-defying comment here. Glad you’re still here with us, my dude!
Interesting choices to buy 3 new ones (in a row) over the course of 4 years; I guess you really are a fan of the Ultra. A rare breed, indeed.
Thanks for surviving, reading and commenting!
From experience, you don’t want to mess with mold. At some point of exposure, I think you gain a heightened sensitivity to it (at least I did). Now I get headaches and occasional nose bleeds when around it for more than a few hours.
These cars were usually pretty reliable. I wonder if the low miles actually cost them some of those problems. People always rate cars based on mileage and, while it is definitely a factor in a car’s lifespan, age is far more important and age+lack of miles (especially short trip miles) and kept in an environment that isn’t controlled and protected is about the worst treatment for them. Even in a controlled and protected environment, things will need to be replaced, but those are probably the same things the high mileage car of the same age would need. Of course, the high mileage car provided some actual use in that time.
One sunny, hot afternoon with a medical-grade mask, some disinfectant/cleaner/vinegar solution in a spray bottle and some elbow grease and this thing will be fine.
Living in southeastern NC, we’re very familiar with the dangers of long-term mold exposure, but this scenario isn’t one.
Agreed that these cars have a stellar reliability reputation. Im sure their core clientele helps with that.
Thanks for reading and for the comment!
I dunno – I’m thinking there’s about a 75% chance you’ll prove the haters right. These might have been good cars when properly maintained, but that thing’s quite the unholy mess. (And what on God’s earth is all over that rear drum? Mold? Spider webs? I’d worry about it enveloping your house while you sleep.)
On the other hand, with something like this, there’s nowhere to go but up.
Matt came up with that headline and it was too perfect not to shoehorn into this piece. You’re correct though, the odds aren’t great.
I like the positive swing at the end! This rescue is fueled by positivity , hope and alcohol.
Thanks for reading and for the comment, cheers!
At the company I worked for in the early 2000’s all of our company cars were full size GM’s with 3800 engines. I had a Bonneville, the owner had this exact car, we had a number of others. All of them ran reliably to 200k+ miles with normal maintenance. Laugh if you want but this was actually one of the best American cars / platforms available in 2003. The Bonneville did handle better than the Park Avenue though.
Those engines are awesome. My dad drove a 1988 Bonneville and then a 2000 (I believe, the swoopier body style one). Great boats.
Agreed that they are criminally grouped with the rest of GM’s wares during that era. Most of which did not deserve a salute.
The drive trains were certainly better than certain aspects of the interiors.
Any car named after an ancient, dead lake is cool in my book.
Thanks for reading and for the comment!
What’s that button screwed at the left of the steering column ?
Maybe not a button just a new species of mushroom.
Looks like a doorbell. My buddy’s old ’92 Caprice had one under the dash since the horn clockspring had failed years before he got it.
We covered this at the beginning of the discussion: it’s a horn button.
Some local, greedy shop charged them $200+ to install that horn button. It’s needed to pass NC Inspection. I’m betting it was caused by a failed clockspring.
Thanks for reading and for the comments, y’all!
Just fill a swimming pool with clorox and shove the car in.
When I dip, you dip, we dip.
Wasn’t there a movie about a car like this?
“10 Weeks In A Hazmat Suit Or How I Spent My Summer Vacation”
“How I Intend To Spend My Spring Break” is more accurate. This thing will be racking up the miles and smiles by summer if all goes to plan.
A medical-grade mask is a must for Day 1.
Thanks for reading and for the comment!