Oh, that fancypants Matt Hardigree. Whilst living his best life and making solid used car decisions, he picked up what is admittedly a fantastic score of a manual BMW 5 Series. I mean, Matt has been working in automotive media since the late ’70s, so it makes sense that he has this down to a science by now. He bought it from what appears to be the World’s Nicest Millennial Male Model, also. Everything about that transaction was just good-looking, clean, and smart. It was almost like those Big Pharma commercials where you see scenes of perfect-looking people doing lively, fun things, minus the narrator discussing truly horrifying side effects in the voice-over. The cleanness, the success of it all felt so rare here in Autopia.
Just to ensure the correct amount of mayhem is present around here and to provide a needed Beautiful Bayerische Motoren foil, I bought a car that is probably the most opposite iteration of the same body style (full size luxury sedan) and also in the opposite condition.
Fellow Autopians, I give you my new ‘94 Supercharged Buick Park Avenue Ultra.
Bought for $400 during the same week of Matt’s purchase, it’s the perfect counterweight to that ultra-sleek Bavarian sled. His is that beautiful silver gunmetal over gorgeous black leather. Mine is sun-baked rust & primer over molded/damp beige leather from a leaking moonroof.
Are these two cars even comparable? They certainly don’t compete with each other, but if we looked at pricing from when each was sold, they’re not too far off. The original MSRP for a 1994 BMW 5 Series was $35,350. Meanwhile, my badass Buick started at $31,864. Now here’s the real jaw-dropper: The ‘03 Park Ave came in at $39,725 while Matt’s car started at $38,295. The Buick was more expensive! We’ll touch more on that in our upcoming comparo piece, but for now, let’s look at this sweet score of an automotive treasure that I stumbled across last week.
The Beauty Of The <$1800 Daily Shitbox Search
I mean, its beauty really does speak for itself. Cheap is good ‘round these parts. Not that I’m trying to be a cheap-ass, but it’s just that usually cars in this bottom-of-the-barrel market position require a lot. The less you get them for, the more room you have to make some moves. This thing cost $400 with lost keys (and the best well-wishes.)
There was a title and a big ass stack of repairs included though! They listed a bevy of repairs that made me feel deeply sorry for the previous owner and also even more perturbed towards Roger Smith than Michael Moore probably still is.
Sifting through them, I found that this top-of-the-line Buick (that was a retirement purchase for an elderly couple) has needed the below dealer repairs in its 68,000 miles traveled (total) on this Earth:
- Crank sensor $276
- Trans solenoid $414
- Purge canister & solenoid $193
- Supercharger failure/replacement $1,394
- Rear wheel cylinders leaking $185
- Harmonic balancer $248
- Failed PCM $355
- Failed Traction Control Module (EBTCM) $881
That’s right, the elderly couple spent $3,946 on repairs in the first 68,000 miles. And that was in late 90s money. Those same repairs would cost $7,084.76 in 2023 dollars. The General certainly does not deserve a salute for that. Well, maybe a certain type of salute. It really shows you how far modern GM has come. Just imagine 68,000-mile 2018-2019 GM models costing that much for repairs in the first handful of years. Luckily for them, on a clear day, you can still see General Motors.
Hopefully, the mega-bummer that this thing has been so far in its abbreviated life is in the past and stays there. It’s a new day, a new beginning and a new century. And also, this car isn’t a Century.
A Green Car Greenhouse
After getting the title earlier in the week, the next step was to get the keys made. The previous owners have both passed on and the car has sat in their backyard for a hot minute as their next-of-kin and estate is settled by those that have survived them. And I mean a hot minute.
This is exactly the type of situation for the classic Gossin Motors Backyard Shitbox Auto Rescue.
The real-world “Last of Us” fungus pandemic is probably in there.
All four tires are flat and the wheels are sinking into the Carolina dirt. As mentioned above, the moonroof drains clogged and water was then diverted into the headliner (again, excellent contingency planning, GM.) At least three inches of standing putrid brown water sits on the left-rear foot well (look closely in the picture).
Look right behind the driver’s seat.
There is mold and mildew over every inch of the interior of the car; every electronic component and switch has been soaked in greenhouse heat and moisture for the past few years. Enough so, that the steel bars that form the backbone pivot point for the sun visors each rusted straight through and snapped.
Guess how great this smells.
Makin’ Moves
GM dealers no longer keep the VIN-indexed key codes for cars of this age, so only licensed locksmiths that pay have access to the Old GM Key Vault. Not sure about every dealer, so don’t take that as gospel, but that’s what the locksmith told me. $40 for the GM key codes and $120 for the blanks and the cuts later, I had a sweet set of new keys. The square for the ignition, the circle for the doors and the deck lid.
Things are progressing! A quick trip to the local Pick n’ Pull yielded me a $40 side-post used battery and my portable air tank proved that three out of four tires (holdin’ air) ain’t bad.
I tossed in the battery and decided to give it a twist to ensure that the starter engaged and to also see if (by a miracle) the fuel pump would hum after rotting in watery corn-gas for years. That turned out to be a big “nope!” and “nope!” Not surprised.
I Have To Have This Thing Ready For Moab…er Matt’s Comparison Piece
So that’s where we currently are with this supercharged, green leviathan. Does it run? Hard no. Will it run soon? Probably not. Will it ever run again? Possibly not. Will trying to make it run be totally worth it? Abso-frickin-lutely.
I’ll be towing it to The Evil Wrenching Lair (under that volcano in Wilmington, NC) this weekend and the fuel tank will be out of the car for the first time since it was installed in Wentzville, Missouri in ’93.
Buicks are famously known for being the “Doctor’s Car”, although I believe that I’ll probably need a doctor after spending any more time inhaling whatever is growing in the petri dish, er uh, interior. Both Matt and I were able to find adventure and find something to make us each smile this week. Think of this as our way of paying it forward as a motivational push to have you do the same.
Less than 1% of all cars sold in North America are green. I’m not sure how many, on average, are supercharged, but I can bet that it’s not a lot (Thomas Hundal would probably know – I should ask him). If I looked on my local sales platforms for that exact criteria, I don’t think I’d be able to find even one anywhere near me at any price point. This car is special, at least to me. It’s an Unholy Gossin Grail, if you will. Out of 118 cars I’ve had, this is the only one that I’ve found that is both green and supercharged.
And that’s gotta count for something.
All Photos: Stephen Walter Gossin
- Is The $1,200 Beat-To-Death Pontiac Grand Am For Sale In Every Town Worth It? I Found Out.
- How I Got Six Years Of Service Out Of A $220 Car
- What I Learned Trying To Flip Two Dirt-Cheap GM “J-Body” Coupes That Nobody Wants
- How I Saved A Once-$90,000 Mercedes SL I Bought For $1,900
- Why The Dirt-Cheap Broken Jaguar X-Type For Sale In Every Town Might Actually Be Worth Buying And Fixing
- I Took On A Bad GM Design In A Hail-Mary Attempt To Fix My Friends Broken Suburban But It Was Too Little Too Late
“…I had a sweet set of new keys. The square for the ignition, the circle for the doors and the deck lid.” That’s a nice hit of nostalgia.
You just have to remember to put them on the key ring facing opposite directions so you have less chance of mixing them up.
At first, I couldn’t tell whether your car was the pick-‘n-pull car or…your car.
But hey, great color! And the best Buick besides the Roadmaster.
There’s a car (Buick Park Avenue)
It will go (Is what I’m all telling you)
See the sun (Ain’t nothing else there to do)
Everyday (With Buick Park Avenue)
Buick Park Avenue
Buick Park Avenue
Buick Park Avenue
Buick Park Avenue
There’s a car
It will go
See the sun
Everyday with Buick Park Avenue
Buying a low mile, but poorly cared for at least for a while recently is only proving you are looking in the wrong spot. this Buick is closer in price and sportyness, maybe even more so in some opinions and I bet could be talked down to $3k to match the bavarian buzz bomb. https://www.cars.com/vehicledetail/45b0de9a-7413-4037-8950-7583815db76a/
That’s nasty, but good at least the floor is still holding water.
I think the dealer did a diagnostic print out sell job to the old folks, kinda sad.
Is that OBD-II? The dash probably had a “Check Engine” light and the dealer ran with it.
It looks like you snapped off only one stud when removing the bad wheel, so I guess that’s a reasonably auspicious start.
Any idea what the ~1″ round black button is on the dash? It’s to the left of the steering column and directly below the ‘Grand Touring Suspension’ label. I don’t think Buick would have used Philips screws like that so I’m guessing it’s aftermarket. 🙂
Excellent eye!
I didn’t have time this am to let the studs soak in PB blaster, so it was going to be what it was going to be. That wheel was coming off one way or another, studs be damned. David does not tolerate tardiness with the am clock-in here in the Autopian office.
I’ll pound another one in , no big deal.
The button is a rigged aftermarket horn to pass NC inspection. It’s glorious.
Thanks for reading and for the comment!
The cleanliness of the freshly-exposed metal made the sheared-off stud stand out. 🙂
Interesting – that horn button was certainly a choice. I wonder why they would do that when they spent so much money on the other repairs. Or maybe they were out of money after the other repairs.
I bought an old motorcycle several years ago on which the PO had rigged up a toggle switch for the low beam so it would pass inspection. It looked about as good as this horn button except it was just hanging by the wire next to the frame.
Good luck with the project!
Oh man, the last Buick I bought (2005? Allure/LaCrosse) had the same button screwed to the dash BUT FOR THE ALWAYS LIVE STARTER AND APPROX WHERE YOUR LEFT KNEE WOULD HIT IT.
The previous geriatric owner couldn’t twist the key all the way to “Start” so some hardware store wiring and bam.
Fully support Buick sedans as the $5k and under used car bargain, fully dealer serviced by someone who is no longer with us, parts anywhere you need them and for the price of lunch, anyone can work on them.
Thank you. Horn was my guess-but actual confirmation is nice.
Having aged into being too lazy to do rescues, I really appreciate living vicariously through these articles. Having owned only 2 GMs-neither of which were fwd or supercharged-I’d appreciate a burnout/burnout attempt video when sorted, please.
My Dad screwed a hasp (externally) to his Dakota’s fuel fill cover so he could lock it with a (dangling) padlock after the release wire broke.
I inherited the truck, and have gotten more appreciatve comment about that little mod than about any other car-related item ever.
Wow. I hope you’re getting hazard pay for this. Even the paperwork is grody!
Thank you for that period-correct adjective.
Just strip out most of the toxic interior and leave it bare. Once you get the car running, you’ll discover that the Park Avenue Ultra is the ultimate sleeper dragster.
Y’know those videos you come across occasionally where some nut in a pay-and-spray car wash has got their car interior covered in ‘foam brush’ as they power wash away?
That. Do that.
You might need to toss that portable (certainly not mobile) hazmat site INTO the volcano. I am surprised by the number of issues on this car though – as others have said, they weren’t all that unreliable.
My grandparents had a ‘94 LeSabre and an ‘01 Park Avenue and both were very reliable, like others mentioned I wonder if it either sat a lot or was abused somehow.
Get a good respirator, a tetanus booster, maybe Mercedes will show you the way with eradicating mold, and you’ll have a quick, sweet cruiser in the end (hopefully).
Pretty sure you meant “The Last of Us” fungus, and not “This is Us” fungus. Unless… is there a prominent fungus in the show This is Us? Whatever fungus that may be, it seems to make my wife cry a lot.
Ha! Great eye. Getting this fixed now.
In 20 years time when what will most likely be HBDiscovprimflix + streaming service decides to reboot the Last of us, they will retconn the story that the fungus outbreak that destroyed humanity started out in the back of semi abandoned Buick!!
Sure it needs a hell of a lot of work, still for $400 it isn’t bad. Get a pressure on the interior and then look to replacements. Might need a hazmat team.
Seriously, I know meth heads that drive better cars than this. Between David Tracy’s jeep stories I own a jeep, they aren’t all that) and Mercedes’ RV and camper fanaticism, and Torch’s wave flagging of “Hey, I’m quirky and edgy and full of snark!” (Though he at least has interesting articles) I’m outta here and going to find another website for cars. At least you don’t have some Al Yankovich character who needs to show off his nail polish.
Come on, write about cars and not shit boxes. So many cars and motorcycles in So Cal to find and write stories about.
Okay, then! That was always allowed!
Are doing okay? These don’t sound like the words of someone doing well. If you’re not interested in what we’re writing about or what gets us excited then, please, by all means, there’s a whole glorious internet out there for you to explore! Have at at it! It’s fine!
I think you’ll find that we try to write about a big variety of cars, but, sure, some won’t be to your liking. So don’t read about them! Also, I’m not wave flagging or flag waving or whatever you think I’m doing. I’m just writing about what I like, in the hopes others may be interested, too. That’s all any of us are doing.
You don’t have to announce that you’re going to another website. Again, it’s fine, do whatever you like, and it’s fine to let us know about things you do want to read more about. We love that!
I’m responding mostly because you sound so cranky and maybe even a little hurt and I just don’t want our readers to feel that way. Also, I have no idea what the nail polish thing is, but it sounds like if somebody else’s nail polish is bothering you enough to mention it in a comment on an article about a Buick, maybe it’s time to sit down and really assess what’s going on in your life. Surely that doesn’t matter. There have to be more important things that make you happy.
So, what cars DO you want to read about? Let’s start there.
This aint the robb report or the car wizard working on g wagons. I come here commiserate with other folks that have also drilled holes in wheel wells and rigged unholy contraptions in the vain hope of removing a crankcase position sensor that has been rusted in place for fifteen years and is tougher to budge than a sleeping bassett hound. This is the content I crave and you just know that the video of pressure washing that moldy interior is gonna be sooo satisfying even if it has to be torched afterwards.
I think the nail polished Al Yankovich character he refers to is Steve DaSilva from the late Jalopnik.com
k bye
lol, these kinds of cars make great stories man. chill out or head out brotha
Shitboxes are cars too. Don’t be conditionist.
I’m a bit confused. This kind of content has been what this site is about since its inception. David and Jason have been writing about junky, quirky stuff for several years and my very first article written in a professional setting was about a bus conversion. I’m not sure what you expected?
But, like Jason, I’m open to suggestions. We do cover non-crapboxes and things that aren’t RVs. One of our strengths, we think, is that we offer something for everyone! If anything, there’s a hole in our content in that we haven’t yet covered things that float.
Also, rocking painted nails is a perfectly fine thing that doesn’t harm anyone. 🙂
Correction: I did a “Shitboat Showdown” once.
I wear nail polish quite regularly and will be sure to get my nails done for the next time I’m on the pod.
The egress is everywhere.
Note the responses from those you impugn.
This content is why we joined.
Kindly see yourself out.
Why do you do this to yourself? It’s not too late to have a better life, you don’t have to hospitalize yourself over a car-shaped lump of mold!
Anything involving a ’94 Park Avenue Ultra IS living one’s best life. -Corinthians 9
Well, the Corinthians knew a thing or two about leather seats.
I thought those fine seats were made from Corinthians!
My dad had a series of Park Avenue’s when i was a kid. His last was an Ultra with the Grand Touring suspension. I remember being impressed with how much tighter it rode than the previous cars.
I’ve always heard the 3800 is a good motor, so hopefully you can resurrect this one!
Growing up in the Greater Seattle Area has given me a really unhealthy disdain for concerns about mold. This interior does not squick me out at all. Every weekend in my apartment was spent with bleach touching up walls that were spiderwebbed with green growth.
I had a forest green Grand Prix GTP, so at least one other supercharged car in that shade left a GM factory.
Great cars.
Wow Autopians writers do have a lot of haters! I wonder if they would fire the engineers who tell them their engagement numbers next? /s
I say turn the 3800 up to 11 during the repairs and embarrass the Bavarian barge at the drag strip at the end of the comparison!
This is the correct answer – supercharger pulley, or just swap to a later M90 supercharger (a ’94 may have been the earlier tiny supercharger that didn’t have much output – only took it to 225hp).
That thing looks like Shrek has been using it as a hovel in his post-fame years.
I’m surprised they had so many issues with a Park Ave. Even in this era, those were pretty solid cars. I “drove” a Le Sabre at least years Gambler 500, and it held up remarkably well. Bought that pig for 100 bucks, and slapped a new intake manifold gasket in it (of course). They make excellent road trip cars, 300 miles at 30 mpg, with heated seats and leather is a pretty good deal!
Yeah, I don’t get it. My LeSabre is at 254k and it’s never been on a tow truck for any reason. I see scads of late 90’s & early oughts Gs, Hs, Ks, & Cs running around, still providing daily service.
I suspect that this is a neglected car, with so few miles it has spent a lot of time just sitting and gathering entropy.
Man, Supercharger replacement before 68,000 miles? On an L67? That’s pretty uncommon. A lot of the other fixes done seem to be pretty uncommon too – hope the dealer wasn’t taking advantage of mom & pop (they probably were).
Early on in Covid, I bought a $400 Buick barge from your neck of the woods – a 3800 powered Lucerne from Swansboro. Really good car, but the previous owners hit something, blew the radiator, but kept driving it home. Was overheated so bad that it at least had blown head gaskets, which is not really a 3800 thing, so I just replaced the whole engine. Really didn’t want to get rid of the car once I’d fixed it.
My dad was a longtime Buick tech and worked on these in his prime. He said those are really weird. It could be that it sat too much which lets parts dry out. Or, also, old people do weird shit to their cars that can cause all kinds of issues. (his words not mine).
Those supercharged 3800s are usually trouble free, even the early ones.
also, we had 4 different cars with the 3800 in it. I don’t ever remember a problem with them. not the most powerful engines but smooooooooooooth.
And bulletproof. The only A-bodies (Ciera & Century) you still see running are usually equipped with this engine.
We had Series I and II plus a series II that was supercharged. They all ran without problems. Bodies just all rusted out.
A’s would have only come with the rather crappy old ‘Red Dot’ 3800 of the mid-80s. I will say, the 3300 cars powered by a de-stroked derivate of the LG3 pre-Series I 3800 are absolutely bulletproof.
Would have been easier just to light that money on fire.
But where’s the fun in that?
But that money would only burn for a minute or two. The beauty here is SWG gets to keep that burn going indefinitely.
I’ve always loved big American cars. I took my driving test in a grand marquis. Godspeed Stephen
Ive spent way more on a drunken Vegas weekend and had nothing but a hangover to show for it. This is comparatively much healthier and smarter.
Plus I’ll have a Park Ave Ultra in the end with an L67 blower on it.
There’s a classic W.C. Fields conversation that goes something like,
“Did I pull out a 50-dollar bill last night?”
“Yes. You squandered it on wine, women and wagering.”
“Thank goodness — I thought I’d lost it!”
I definitely got the better deal.
But does yours have Gran Touring Suspension? Checkmate Stephen.
Yep, Gran’s out tourin’ in her uick Park Avenue!
Only if you need your lungs for something.