Good morning! Today on Shitbox Showdown, we’re going to spice things up a bit with a little role-playing. No, don’t worry; there are no schoolgirl costumes involved or anything. I’m just going to give you a use-case scenario for these two vehicles, and you have to decide which is better suited for that use.
First, however, let’s see where you were willing to compromise:
Looks like you chose bros over Broughams. In my younger days, I probably would have agreed, but as I get older, I value comfort and originality more and more in cars, so given the choice between these two, call me the Omegaman.
Now then: Imagine, if you will, that you are a member of an international gang of jewel thieves. You’re in the planning stages of a daring, broad-daylight, Hollywood-style heist. Your target: the fabled “Hopkirk Diamond,” a two-hundred-carat stone with a naturally-occurring inclusion in it in the shape of a 1964 Mini shift pattern. The diamond is on display for two days only at the Petersen Auto Museum in Los Angeles, and you’re going to steal it. You have been tasked with finding the perfect getaway car: something inconspicuous, capable of carrying your merry band of six thieves, and most of all, cheap, because they said the getaway car has to come out of your cut, on account of “the whole Dubai thing,” which you still maintain wasn’t your fault, but whatever. You’ve narrowed it down to these two choices…
2002 Ford Expedition – $3,975
Engine/drivetrain: 4.6 liter overhead-cam V8, four-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Arleta, CA
Odometer reading: 198,000 miles
Runs/drives? Yep
Ford’s answer to the Chevy/GMC Suburban was rather late to the party; it didn’t come along until 1997, after the Suburban had been around for several generations. Based on the controversial (around these parts) tenth-generation F-series, the Expedition took Ford’s popular Explorer and super-sized it. With V8 power, three rows of seats, and all sorts of creature comforts, the Expedition became a fixture in mall parking lots in short order.
That ubiquity makes it well-suited to our purposes, especially in a color I’m pretty sure is called Invisible Silver. This Expedition is a bit on the old side now, and might draw some attention in the Rust Belt, but in sunny Los Angeles, there are plenty of twenty-year-old SUVs still running around. Nobody will notice one more idling in a parking spot on Fairfax Avenue on a weekday morning.
It’s also got plenty of room for the whole crew, even Tiny, the three-hundred-pound Samoan demolitions expert, and all the gear you’ll need for your caper. The 4.6 liter Triton V8 isn’t a massive powerhouse, but it should be enough to get you to safety if things go pear-shaped. Normally, you might worry about the longevity of the transmission, but it only has to get you to a storage facility outside of Ontario Airport, so as long as it doesn’t currently slip, you’re probably fine.
You might be able to talk them down a little on the price as well, since this Expedition is only two-wheel-drive. Which means, if you do draw some heat and need to get away, best to keep it on the pavement.
2006 Mazda MPV – $3,999
Engine/drivetrain: 3.0 liter overhead cam V6, five-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Fullerton, CA
Odometer reading: 88,000 miles
Runs/drives? Sure does
If a big SUV doesn’t quite do it for you, how about a minivan? Nobody looks twice at them, they’re a little easier to drive than a big lumbering brute, and the sliding doors make for a quick entry and exit. Mazda’s second-generation MPV might not be the first name you think of when someone says “minivan,” but it’s a good one.
It’s a comfy place to wait and trade sexually-charged banter with Lily, the femme fatale whose job it was to seduce a museum guard to get the codes to the diamond’s display case. (Obviously, she can’t go in; her cover’s blown, so she has to wait in the van with you.) When it comes time to go, a 200 horsepower three-liter V6 will whisk you all away, blending seamlessly and invisibly into LA traffic. Or at least, that’s the hope, but you know how these things turn out.
Really, this van is almost too nice to ditch at the airport, or wreck in a high-speed chase. At only 88,000 miles, it’s got a lot of trips to soccer practice left in it. But maybe it’s tired of its humdrum life, and dreams of going out in a blaze of glory.
[Editor’s Note: I’m torn on if I feel like the Altezza-type taillights (which seem to be stock!) are going to help or hurt. I guess if Lily likes them, it’s fine. – JT]
This particular van has another thing going for it when it comes to hiding in plain sight: mismatched hubcaps left and right. Makes it harder for the cops to positively identify it, when it looks different depending on which direction it’s going.
Obviously, crime doesn’t pay, and we here at the Autopian would never suggest that you come up with an intricate plan to steal a priceless fictional diamond from a famous automotive museum. But if you were already planning to do so, we’re not here to judge. But we do have a couple of recommendations for your getaway car. Which one will it be?
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
Between the jewel heist and the space shuttle robbery I am worrying about what kind of operation The Autopian is running here.
https://jalopnik.com/how-to-steal-the-space-shuttle-a-step-by-step-guide-5949166
Intercepting a billionaire’s space pod is the crime for me:
https://jalopnik.com/supervillian-kidnappers-just-missed-their-best-chance-t-1847329246
Bonus:
https://jalopnik.com/nasa-plans-to-de-orbit-the-iss-by-2031-so-we-have-9-yea-1848468946
This isn’t a fair fight. Do you really want a giant SUV with transmission goes kablooey mileage on it for this job? No, you take the invisible minivan that has so much life left in it that it can take care of your future capers as well. There’s no need to run a road block when you can have your goons in the back put on sportsball uniforms and slouch so they look short. Nothin’ to see here! Skyler and Kayden have practice today!
shitty Ford vs a transverse V6 minivan…
In other markets, Mazda offered the 2.3L MZR.
I still voted for the Mazda because the Expedition Built Ford Tuff is a big fat lie
Minivan with less than half the mileage for me.
And those Mazda vans were quite good. The only downside is parts tend to be more expensive than the comparable Honda or Toyota.
Both of these choices are wrong.
After losing both our cars to hurricane Harvey and the entire Houston automotive market being wiped out simultaneously we ended up in a cheap but well maintained silver 2005 Toyota Highlander. It had the 3rd row so it would seat 7 and a V6 under the hood. That V6 is meaningless though since HP doesn’t matter. There will be no high speed chase or fruit stands to crash through or medians to jump because that just isn’t necessary in this vehicle. After heisting the jewel we’ll simply pull out of the Peterson Museum parking lot, throw on our blinker, merge into traffic, and magically disappear from view.
Seriously, after driving one of these you start to recognize them and see that they’re absolutely EVERYWHERE in traffic. They’re like cockroaches, they’re right in front of you but you’re just incapable of seeing them. Easily the perfect getaway vehicle.
If it was for me, the MPV, no question. Since it’s a getaway vehicle, I’ll take the big Ford thing because it looks like it can handle jumps better. Jewel heists involve car jumps, a fact there’s no arguing with.
I like the jewel heist story around today’s game. It provides a fun context.
The true Suburban fighter in the Ford lineup was the Excursion not the Expedition. In fact, “Suburban Fighter” was its nickname according to a buddy of mine who worked in its development. He also said at one point it had 6 doors which would have been something if it had made it to production that way.
My first instinct when having to seat 6 was a gmt400 suburban. Could none be found sub 5k?
The answer is both, and a bit of planning. You see, you hide the Ford in a parking garage you’ve scoped out earlier that doesn’t have any security cameras. You use the Mazda for the heist, then cruse to the garage where the Ford waits with all the extra luggage already packed. Ditch the Mazda and drive away in comfort in the bigger Ford. The key is finding the garage sans camera, but as my high school English teacher liked the say, always follow the 7 P’s:
Proper Prior Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance
I would take the Ford. If the transmission goes phut, that is bonus. While the cops are swarming all over the stalled truck no-one notices the guy getting into an uber. With a big diamond in his pocket.
The other guys, and the pretty lady with very tight fitting clothes, will be fine as there is nothing to connect them to the dastardly deed. And the multi-million dollar settlement for falsely arresting the Samoan ambassadors son and his friends on their way to a fancy dress party, is a nice bonus.
My theory is the Mazda has better ingress/egress due to the sliding door and lower door sills, and better cornering due to the lower center of gravity.
The mini-van should be easier to cover/re-paint. My preference would be to put a wrap on it that you can tear off in a few seconds.
For even more fun, camouflage it like an Expedition, with body cladding made of styrofoam. Yank it off, throw it in a dumpster, and you’ve disappeared.
As a getaway car, I’d go with the MPV. Expeditions of this generation were common and distinct enough that someone would likely be able to tell the 5-0 the exact make, model, and generation of the vehicle. The MPV wasn’t common and had generic styling (it could be confused with almost any van made between 1995 and today), so most bystanders could only describe the vehicle as a grey modern-ish minivan. They might even mistake it for an Odyssey or one of the other common vans. With the MPV, I could have hundreds of soccer moms acting as unwitting decoys during my escape.
6 people in the Mazda, including “Tiny?” Good luck pulling away faster than a foot cop can – well, ignore you, because it’s LA, and they don’t prosecute crimes there anymore.
Around 02-03, I thought an MPV would be an ideal next minivan for my parents to get specifically for its more compact dimensions yet more flexible interior, and an uncle already had not 1 but 2 of them. At a test-drive, my parents didn’t care for it all. After driving a used one years later, I think the firm seats were an immediate turn-off regardless of how it drove.
We moved to a new neighborhood about the time the MPV left production, and there were at least 3-4 of them at houses within a couple blocks of us which seemed like a high rate of them. Maybe it was word-of-mouth recommendations, because it wasn’t just that a Mazda dealer was closest – it wasn’t far but you had to drive past virtually every other brand except Toyota to get to it.
Anyway I suppose it is the better choice for the heist, but the Ford seems cleaner and nicer despite far more miles.
The Expedition can park directly on the sidewalk in front of the best exit door with the addition of a ratty white paint job and magnetic yellow spinner. Fake door placards for a made up utility concern are optional.
That alone gives it the nod in this case.
Make it a water-soluble paint job and make the door placards magnetic too. Then the white service vehicle turns back into a soccer-mom mobile with a simple drive-thru car wash.
Gotta be the Sexpedition. They’ll both blend in just fine, but if our cover is blown, the big guy can muscle its way through and jump all the curbs.
All these Ford voters get it. If you’re thinking sliding doors help rapid ingress/egress, then you’ve never waited for Doc the Safecracker and “Fingers” Ojeda the Surveillance Hacker to squeeze out of the third-row seat. Two bench seats with four doors beats the hell out of minivan seating when the meter’s running.
And though both choices are delightfully nondescript in L.A. traffic, only one of these will plow through roadblocks and bounce off Crown Vics with relative aplomb once Benny the Apparently Not So Reformed Snitch shows his true colors.
The van in question doesn’t have the middle row. Sure, that means Jimbo is sitting on the floor, but very easy ingress/egress and more room for everyone to just jump in with bags of loot/gear.
Depends on if I’m aware of what kind of heist I’m involved in. Is it Ocean’s Eleven? Heat? Snatch? Italian Job?
If I’m in a more action-heavy heist, where shit goes sideways, I’m going with the Expedition. For all others the Mazda is probably the safer choice.
Yeah, I can for sure see successfully running a police roadblock in an Expedition rather than an MPV.
6 in the front two rows means the Expedition is the quicker “load and go” vehicle for the particular use case. Plus it’s much easier to find a Mazda van in a crowd when they only made tens of thousands of them.
Now if you were looking for a regular ol’ road trip vehicle, the minivan with less than half the miles would be the choice all day.
MPV is slightly narrower, so in a pinch it can perhaps slip thru traffic a bit easier, It also does not threaten to shoot a spark plug or burn up a 200K trans. Had the lumbering SUV had 4wd, I might have been swayed to go the other way, but should this chase go into the high desert, I think both would get stuck, but the lighter FWD van would probably go further before it had to be abandoned and the chase finished on foot.
My jewel heisting days are behind me (I hope) so I’m leaning toward the Expedition.
Pull the second and third row of seats, add some storage and creature comforts, and use it as a temporary rolling shelter, e.g. for trips to racing and other events.
Heck, pull the front passenger seat as well and use the space for a fridge or something.
Gotta be the big Ford, so I can swat those police cars out of my way.
The bench seat in the front of the Expedition means the whole crew can pile in quickly, and the F-series chassis means higher payload for more loot. Plus, RWD means better Rockford turns. I’ll take the Ford.
The Ford for me. If I am going to be involved with a jewel heist, I need a truck that can go through walls, run over slow people and Mormon missionaries. The Expedition wins today.
That was my thought, the Ford can blast through obstacles including the random fruit stand that is in all high speed pursuits.
If you daring you can paint it look like a courier/security vehicle.
I saw an interview with a former bank robber and he said the first thing they do after fleeing is blend in. They specifically would rent bland cars to not stand out.
A minivan is definitely the better option, though my heist vehicle would be a white work van. Easy to get in and out of anywhere with one of those, some hardhats, and some reflective vests.
Also, the minivan isn’t just the better option for keeping a low profile, but also for loading, unloading, and quick entry for the whole team.
Going for the Mazda here. Comfort for that getaway drive.