Just in case any of you out there aren’t feeling your best, or are perhaps having some difficulties with self-confidence or esteem or pleasure or whatever else you’d like to hang off the end of the hyphen after “self-,” I’d like to offer some help. I’d like to help by providing you an opportunity to compare yourself with me, a colossal, irredeemable idiot, and as a result feel far better about who you are and the choices you’ve made. Let me just get this self-flagellation out of my system and then we can all move on, hopefully cleansed and refreshed.
I know our own David Tracy tends to get most of the guff and ridicule about having a fleet of cars where running ones are rarer than fish cardigans, but he is by no means alone here; I, too, am such a fool, possibly worse. Probably worse. At this moment, only one of my cars in my fleet of five personal cars (I’m not counting the Tiguan, because it’s primarily my wife’s car, and its continued operation is only the result of a demonic deal I’ve made where it just gets to consume entire paychecks at will when it wants, with obvious relish and cruelty) is currently running, and that one I fixed over the weekend with a bit of garden hose.
So, if you don’t feel like reading all of this, here’s your takeaway: I suck. I co-run The World’s Finest Automotive Website (don’t check on that) and yet somehow I’m also incapable of keeping my fleet of miserable shitboxes going. Just to really make this stick in my spongy brains, let’s go through each vehicle one-by-one so we know the status of everything:
1973 Volkswagen Beetle
I think this is the one I’m the most ashamed of. The Beetle needed its carbs synched and cleaned a while back, so, in a burst of wildly misplaced optimism, I pulled them off, thinking I’d get them all nice and ready and pop them back on and be buzzing around in my beloved air-cooled little pal in no time.
Then, I decided to start a new car website and all the usual life stuff and days turned to weeks then months and months and those two Kadron carbs are still sitting there on the workbench, next to a barely-started painting I was making for David’s birthday last year, the whole sad pile forming a tiny grim temple to that cruelest of gods, Procrastinus, and the terrible grip he has on my stupid little life.
The poor Beetle has been sitting carbless for so long that the engine seems to have seized up, based on its unwillingness to turn the last time I tried to get it started. I’ve since poured some Marvel Mystery Oil in there in the hopes of freeing everything up, but have I been out there to try and test it yet, and get the process of resurrection started? No. Because, again, I’m an idiot.
It deserves better than this. This one is my biggest shame, and hurts the most.
1990 Nissan Pao
Okay, this one at least isn’t really my fault, but it stings the most because the Pao was my go-to daily driver, and my most reliable car. That little 987cc, 53 horsepower engine never let me down. Unfortunately, certain large fauna in my area hate to see me happy, and one of those stupid deer bolted out in front of my Pao last October, putting the car out of commission.
The bodywork was done months ago, but there was a pinhole leak in the radiator that the shop missed. As a result, while being tested after the bodywork fixes, the engine overheated and cooked the head gasket. So now it has to have that fixed, and because it’s all part of the initial deer-strike, insurance will cover it, but it’s taking forever. One shop took it and then decided they couldn’t do it so its off to another one and I just want it done and I miss my little car so much please please just fix my damn car.
One upside: with the head off, I’ll get the timing belt and water pump replaced, so this little JDM beast should be nice and ironclad for a good while. Once I get it back.
2020 Changli Freeman
Et tu, Changli? Regular Autopian readers may recall that the majestic Changli, the Cheapest Car In The World, finally let me down after two years of pretty damn near trouble-free ownership. After doing some tests, I found that two of the 12V batteries in the 60V battery pack were only showing between 7 and 9 volts or so. So, I reached out to our sponsor, Optima Batteries, maker of batteries that produce the finest, creamiest, smoothest electricity known to man, and they should be hooking me up with a new batch to install.
But they’re not here yet, so the Changli sits, immobile and petulant.
1989 Ford F-150
Yes, even the legendary reliability of the Ford 4.9-liter inline-six doesn’t seem to be immune from the powerful enshitification field my body seems to be emitting non-stop. I was driving The Marshal around a lot recently, throwing canoes and large loads of rubbish in the bed and generally enjoying the crap out of the ruggedly charming workhorse. Last weekend, though, in the middle of a torrential rainstorm, the serpentine belt jumped off a pulley, denying the truck electrical power, pumped coolant, power steering, A/C, everything.
I got it back on by skipping the A/C condenser, but I’m having a bear of a time getting it back on properly, mostly because of a fierce spring-loaded tensioner that seems more like a trap to crunch human fingers into little soft sausages of goop than any sort of engine part. I’ll get it figured out, but I’d love to know why the belt jumped off before I drive it regularly again, and I’m stumped so far.
1977 Dodge Tioga RV
I’m not even sure why I’m including this one, as not only has it not run for years, but even if it did it would hardly make a rational daily driver, seeing as how it’s a house on wheels and would require me to re-finance my non-wheeled house every time I filled it up with gas. It’s got a massive Dodge 440 under the hood, and I bet whatever is wrong with it is well-known and understood. Could be a timing chain problem. Anyway, the plumbing was all replaced before it decided motility wasn’t its calling, so at least you can enjoy a comfortable shit in it.
1991 Yugo GV Plus: The one that now runs
You may remember a couple weeks ago I took the Yugo to a local car show, where it debased the McLarens and Ferraris that surrounded it with a dirty sort of glee. As I left, encouraged by the tiny crowd, I laid some rubber by dumping the clutch, at the cost of my throttle cable, which broke under the strain of, well, throttling.
I rigged up a crappy fix that left me stranded on the side of the road last week, and then rigged up another crappy fix to get home, determined to fix it at least 40% less crappily, which I believe I did.
The throttle cable setup on a Yugo is incredibly simple: a little braided steel cable with a loop at one end that’s fed through a little flexible rubber conduit, the other end going through a loop in the gas pedal arm. My problem was the old cable’s loop broke, and the conduit was pretty janky as well, so when I finally made and clamped a new loop on the end, I couldn’t get the cable back through the conduit, and I couldn’t just run the bare cable through the engine bay because there’s too much there for it to bind on or too many hoses and wires that the cable would abrade away over time. I needed some kind of channel for the cable.
No local auto parts stores had any Yugo accelerator cables, and no one seemed to have any generic ones I could adapt, frustratingly. Finally, I realized that, hey, all this sleeve has to do is keep the cable moving easily and not harming anything else, so pretty much anything that can do that would work, right?
That’s when I grabbed an old garden hose, cut it to length, ran the throttle cable through there, and jammed it in place. It works! Really well, actually, and I think the bright green really livens up the engine bay there, too.
Considering I once got this thing back on the road with two hose clamps and a rock, this feels pretty on-brand for the Yugo. Plus, at 67 hp, this thing is actually fun to whip around like an idiot, which, as you will recall, we have confirmed that I clearly am.
So, this is my confession: I’m a drooling simpleton with six cars and the only currently running one is a Yugo that’s relying on 18 or so inches of garden hose to keep working. This is an absolutely insipid and ridiculous position to be in, and I have no one but myself to blame.
Well, myself and that stupid deer. But the deer is dead, and I’m still here, doing what I dearly hope isn’t the best I can.
Is it possible the World’s Finest Automotive Website has a typo in its name? Pretty sure it should be The Auto Pain. Which we all feel. Thank you sharing yours, and remember, since none of your cars has Lucas Electrics, brighter days will come.
Fingers crossed for your fleet.
“Enshitification” needs to be added to the dictionary immediately. It’s a perfectly cromulent word.
It has embiggend my vocabulary..
I feel like DT should be coming down and helping you wrench your way to a full fleet, I think he owes you and would make a great story lol
I had about 3 days this year with the entire TomMetcalf fleet running. Right now my tractor won’t start and the MG’s speedometer cable is broken.
Wasn’t there also a Scimitar in there somewhere, or is my information really out of date?
I did have one! I sold it to Myron Vernis, but I did see my car is still being used in ads for The Lemonheads! That’s my car there! I remember that day! https://twitter.com/Rock_City_Notts/status/1545077532214665216?s=20&t=2x1dc0K83–FmdT1l_51tg
Ah, OK, thought I was taking crazy pills there for a minute
Remember that scene in “Tropic Thunder” where Robert Downey Jr says his “You never go full ……” ?
Well Torch, your problem is you went full Shitbox. You never go full Shitbox! You need something amongst the toys made in the current century at least to haul the kids to their voice lessons 🙂
The Changli is from the current century.
The Yugo counts if you squint, seeing as Zastava kept making them – in virtually unchanged shape* – until 2008. Sure, *this* Yugo is a good bit older, but anyone from the region will tell you the ’88-’91s had far higher build quality than the ones that followed the collapse of the SFRY anyway 🙂
*The In models had a funky body kit – it would actually be cool to see Torch rock one of those!
Green garden hose in the engine compartment adds like 0.1 hp.
About 30 years ago I found a gear lying by the side of the road. No idea where it came from or what it fits in. I have it in my shop and have promised myself that someday I will rebuild the vehicle it came from around it.
Well Jason I truly feel sorry for you. Your frustration sure comes through in the tone of your narrative. Hang in there, it will get better.
Also, do yourself a favor and Google “Universal Throttle Cable Kit” buy one that will make for a proper repair for your Yugo. (Your garden hose setup is not a permanent fix!)
No such think as a permanent fix on a Yugo, only fixes that are good enough to last until something else breaks
Yugo, the temporary fix of the automotive industry. “Yugo, it’s not about the destination. It’ll always get you to wherever you go”
Often the side of the road.
What about the Reliant Scimitar?
Wait, does this mean that I’m the Autopian staffer with the highest percentage of running vehicles? 😀
Well, I’m at 100% running/driving, including the British one, but it’s only 3 vehicles and technically I’m not a staffer…
I have two fully running, drivable, fully operational and legal vehicles, out of two.
One is a Range Rover and one is an old Ferrari.
I must win some kind of fucking prize surely?
I’d say so. Each of those is worth, what, five Camrys apiece in terms of maintenance and repair frequency?
I’ve been lucky so far. But I’m probably one breakdown away from the kind of financial meltdown that makes Lehman Brothers look like pocket change..
A running fully operational Range Rover, AND a running fully operational old Ferrari?
Wow!
I’ve never met anyone before who has actually sold his soul to the Devil.
Why do you think I only wear black?
Does the freelance side of the house count? 12 here!
Sure, I’ll include freelancers!
Hmmm…I guess I assumed that absolutely all of us had broken cars. lol
My truck has a parasitic battery drain I haven’t found yet and has to stay plugged into a tender, if it makes you feel better…
I can hardly remember my own kids’ given names, but I can remember all of the 61 cars I’ve owned and their resulting misadventures.
Priorities.
Nobody else is concerned about that garden hose catching fire? Am I the only one?
I can’t figure out if I’ve never seen a garden hose catch on fire because they’re always full of water or if they just don’t catch on fire.
Just to be safe, you could take a page from McLaren and coat the hose in gold leaf to reflect heat away from the hose. You would almost assuredly have the only Yugo with something in common with a McLaren inside the engine bay!
https://jalopnik.com/the-most-exciting-part-of-the-mclaren-f1-is-way-less-im-1833924290
Michaels sells an 18 pk of 5.5″x5.5″ gold leaf sheets for only $13.99!
https://www.michaels.com/mona-lisa-gold-simple-leaf-sheets/D258070S.html
As long as there is water in the hose the temp will stay at 100 ‘C pretty much. It needs at least 300’ C (iirc) to burn/decompose. Melting is your real problem
Possibly a stupid question, but would motorcycle throttle cables and housings work to fix the throttle cable? Maybe inside the garden hose? Garden hose (or other material) to insulate the housing, and the housing would allow the throttle cable to move freely?
BTW, I checked: this is the finest automotive website. At least in my opinion.
This is for a Yugo! Bicycle brake cable!
Melting or burning? It’s vinyl it may just melt into green plasticky goo!
Yeah, probably. They are also made to be sitting in the sun and on hot concrete, so probably not as bad after all. But it will not hurt keeping an eye on it…
The other problem with the garden hose is wear. The cable will repeatedly abrade the softer interior wall, grinding out a groove which will a) get deeper and deeper, b) provide a lot of friction on the cable (you really don’t want that cable stuck when the pedal is depressed, do you?), c) cause the path from pedal to carb to shorten over time, requiring deeper pressing of the pedal, and d) eventually wear right through the full hose wall.
More concerned about how quickly the throttle cable will cut through it.
Two of the fleet just need time for parts and install. Not bad.
The VW is a bit of project but doable. The F-150 could be fun.
When did you think you utter the phase “The Yugo is currently best running vehicle of the lot?”
Have you considered giving a group of friendly Rednecks some beer and state “There is no way you can get that RV running again.” Full disclosure: I have many friendly Rednecks in my family I love their willingness to help out. Beer is the bonus.
I hope you are all successful enough to hire a mechanic to keep half your office fleet running. The other half will be for you to fix and write about, I’m sure.
I’m no expert but allow my to suggest a thought. Maybe buying vehicles that were shit when new, after they have lived almost all the miles in them. And instead of fixing them when they brake doing an emergency work around and just leaving that work around instead of actually fixing it might cause an increase in breakdowns?
Would you rather the guy who co-runs The World’s Finest Automotive Website bum rides because his entire unique fleet is busted, or have a matching pair of Corollas to safely and affordably move around his family?
Between Jason, David, and Mercedes; their busted “Fleets” provide lots of content for the site.
With that said, maybe it is time to hide a Corolla (or get a Chevy Prizm…or maybe a Pontiac Vibe to be more “interesting”) behind the house so you can get to the parts store when you need to.
How about a company car for emergencies,?
you realize the company car would be something like an AMC Eagle right?
Diesel Jeep CJ-10A aircraft tug, or some weird South American fiberglass Volkswagen.
He has that… the wife’s dependable(ish) car is always the “parts getter”
That’s the Tiguan with the time bomb under its hood, right? I guess dependable is relative. 😉
I understand this. However, successful artists (and re: Torch, I may be using this term generously) usually have some sort of pain in their past or present. Comedians, writers, musicians, actors – many have trauma in their past or present. Look at the challenges the writers on this very site experience – Mercedes, JT, and DT come to mind. I feel confident in believing their challenges fuel their passion and creativity to a degree that propels them to a creative level that vanilla types (I’m in this set) won’t reach. To use myself as an example: I’m a musician of over 35 years. Played some great gigs, recorded some albums I’m proud of, but by no means am I a self-sustaining muso. I never took the plunge. I didn’t have the sac to commit to it full-time when I was young. Ergo, I am a weekend warrior with a day job, and I play music when I can. Years ago, I accepted this.
I live vicariously through Torch and the Autopian crew. They live the life of daily challenges that owning shitboxes provide. I’ll drive my CR-V grateful that the writers here are willing to educate and entertain given their struggles.
Well if he needs to get somewhere to write a story I kind of want him to get there. Dave and Jason’s Excellent Adventures are so much better when they actually occur.
I’d prefer to hear from an expert, thanks
I imagine I’m an expert in something and I say you’re doing the right thing.
Love it haha
Hmm… A LEGENDARY motorhome 440 just lying around, and a Beetle that needs an engine…
You know what needs to happen.
I don’t think that Beetle engine could even move that motorhome …
And yes, I realize I was looking at this backwards, but you’ve got to do something with that Beetle engine once the carbs are done.
BWAHAHA!!
With a 440 hanging off the Beetles ass, I bet it would do wheelies all day.
Jason, did you ever sort out the Chang Li’s electrical gremlins? I vaguely remember that some wires were melting.
Yeah, it looks like some of the batteries are bad, not giving enough voltage. New ones should be on the way!
i sincerely hope you’re going to sort out (or, really, have someone that is competent sort out) that fire hazard you call wiring in that car.
Seconded. Bad wiring can more quickly cause the batteries to go out of balance. That’s not good for longevity. If everything is working properly, those Optimas should give you 5 years or about 20,000 miles, whichever comes first.
Although, if Torch had a pack of CALB LiFePO4 batteries in that thing and a properly selected ebike charger, the batteries would outlast the rest of the vehicle, acceleration and top speed would improve, the vehicle would lose more than 100 lbs, and it could have a range approaching 100 miles on a charge in ideal conditions. It would be roughly a $1,000 upgrade for everything including the cost of a new charger, so probably not worth it in the short term, as the payback period would be years.
When I started reading the headline I thought this was a DT article until I got to the Yugo part. Good lord boys you gotta talk to Mercedes and ask her how she keeps her fleet functioning… Well more than you and David do at least.
I think it’s sheer numbers in her case.
More likely to have at least one of 16(?) vehicles running than 6.
She also has some vehicles newer than the HW Bush administration.
You’re right about having the odds more in her favor and the last bit is probably the most important part.
Honestly? I feel that I’ve been really lucky. I mean, I’ve spent maybe $500 total in repairs on my 2012 Smart over 160,000 miles despite treating it like crap. I’ve made it tow pickups out of mudbowls and haul trailers all over the place. Yet, I know of many Smarts that have gone to the junkyard long before 100k miles.
Maybe that’s it, treat your cars like they owe you money and maybe they won’t break…as often.
As someone who is similarly waiting for my daily driver to be ready after a deer encounter, I really feel your pain on that one. Shops are backed up and supply constraints are a pain.
That said, at least you have repairs lined out for the Changli and can probably get the VW going again without having to hunt down too many weird gremlins. You’ll have a mostly running fleet again soon enough, I’m sure.
Between you, David and Mercedes, I’m starting to think the primary qualification to write for The World’s Greatest Automotive Website is a large fleet of non-operative vehicles.
JK — this is exactly why we love you guys.
I have:
)
A truck that burns as much oil as gasoline
A Mustang that has no throttle cable, bad tires, and a z-bar that goes over center so the pedal gets hung up
A 1957 Herter’s boat that has an outboard that runs on one of two cylinders and has the steering screwed up enough that it allows 1/2 turns port and 3 turns starboard
A 1959 Lonestar Flamingo boat that is closer to being hauled off than it is a boat (seriously
A 1967 Delhi 12 foot semi-V hull that is seaworthy
10-15 antique outboards not on boats, two of which run at all
A ’74 VW Van that is almost running right
A ’73 VW Van that is almost completely stripped for parts
A ’71 Porsche 914 that is completely stripped and in boxes except for the frame.
A VW Squareback that I can’t remember the year of right now, but has the interior and engine removed.
Can I get on the staff yet?
On one hand, you may be overqualified.
On the other hand, The Autopian is lacking aquatic content, and you seem qualified to fill that gap.
Now all we need is someone with a broken down locomotive or two in their backyard.
I’m sure I can find a broken down train or two.
Not sure I could fix it or even afford to buy it, but I could find it.
I actually know someone with a bunch of pre-1920 internal combustion stuff including a Rumley Oil Pull if that fits the bill. Also he had a desoto hemi powered rail he drove back in the 50’s and is replicating. He has some fun stories, and way too many projects, I’m just not sure he’d be up to writing for a living.
My friend’s dad’s 2nd gen Chrysler minivan would lose the belt occasionally. Went to the dealer under warranty a bunch of times, but they could never find a cause.
On the last time they found it: the plug from the blocker under the hood (summer storage location) would fall into the belt and pop it off. The plug would get flung back into it’s summer home leaving no trace. The mechanic lucked out and actually saw it happen as he was running the engine checking his work on a belt install. A zip tie was the solution.
Block heater?
Yes, stoopid oto kowrecked.
Why not use a bicycle brake cable for the throttle? I’m pretty sure that’s an upgrade.
I was going to say this too. A former co-worker had a Fiat X19, and he got a new throttle cable custom-made at a bicycle shop. Cheap as dirt as worked perfectly.
shit this is a great idea!
I used a lawnmower throttle cable on a Chevy S-10. Remember, every part is universal if you are clever/stupid enough.
25 year old vacuum line dangling from the air cleaner on a 76 Gremlin, turns into fuel line for the same car. Worked well enough to drive to parts store and back over lunch in High School, with enough time to put on the replacement line and get to class.
With a little reckless creativity, you could get a bicycle’s hydraulic brake setup, and then rig the throttle to run off the lever operated by the slave cylinder. As long as the return spring is robust, a leak would only cause you to slow down.
Just think, you could have the world’s only Yugo with a hydraulic throttle! And you could die! A unique automotive feature with a definite non-zero chance of causing your own fiery death!
Don’t actually do this. It won’t track your foot well unless the return spring is really strong, and that will make it a chore to keep your foot down into it. Or you’ll spend years engineering the “just right” solution and get nothing productive done on any of your other projects.
I’ve heard of race cars and sand rails using hydraulic throttles. I’ve read that early Hillman Imps used a pneumatic throttle connection! This does make me wonder if there ever was a road vehicle with a hydraulic throttle.
As a related side note, for a while, motorcycles were required to have both a push and a pull cable on the throttle to make them more controllable, and a runaway throttle less likely.
At one time I had a friend with a 1.9l Opel powered Triumph Spitfire with a hydraulic throttle. I often wonder what became of both him and that car.
Or, if just looking for a sleeve, hi-temp plastic waterline works pretty well.
Don’t buy the vinyl (I don’t wanna talk about that)
I was going to say a VW cable. Super long and customizable. Heck it’s probably long enough for 3 cables LOL
Universal Lawnmower throttle cable, since you don’t need to go the length of the car.
With a compressionless housing.
Belt on my ’93 F150 has jumped off before and (probably) has the same belt routing as yours, check your pulleys to see if they are aligned. Belt being on can help this.
Tensioner being loose can cause this to happen, but it sounds like that isn’t the issue. I remember you had alternator issues when you first got it. Did you replace the alternator and is the alternator the correct one and installed properly?
I did replace the alternator and belt, and it was fine for over a month of driving. The routing was correct, checked by someone who knew, even. I’m not sure what happened!
Run through any water? I’ve had that cause the belt to lift enough to slip off.
It might just be one of bearings of a pulley. If partially seized and not spinning completely freely at temperature, it could sporadically seize or wobble causing a belt slip and eventually belt premature wear.