It’s Friday afternoon, global productivity is coming to a screeching, sloppy halt, which means it’s an absolutely ideal time to take a moment and consider and really meditate on a few carefully-selected items from this 1974 J.C.Whitney & Co. catalog I have here. It’s a dazzling dive into an automotive world that’s now pretty much forgotten, but a world that still has the power to amaze, delight, and, yes, for much of the catalog, even bore people today. It’s the glorious, dazzling world of cars in the 1970s, when everything sucked just the right amount, and or standards were nice and low. Also, everyone was sexy and smoked while they ate cheeseburgers. Let’s explore!
As anyone who lived in the 1970s will tell you, it was an era when bumpers needed guarding, and the brave Guards of the Bumper were these chrome vertical oblongs, faced with rubber, that were a factory option on many cars, and also wildly popular aftermarket add-ons, like these. Even though the ’70s were the era of massive, chrome, battering-ram bumpers that make today’s fussy painted plastic and sensor-laden bumpers look like absurdly fragile canapés stuck on either end of your car, it was still not enough for many people, hence bumper guards.
These mostly just kept your big chrome bumper from getting dinged or scratched. Remember, those heavy, 5mph bumpers didn’t really make the cars that much safer as much as they let insurance companies be cheapskates, because they were good about protecting fenders and grilles and lights. Anyway, what I like about this bumper guard entry is what’s in that box there, where the shout how the bumper guards PAY FOR THEMSELVES MANY TIMES OVER.
That seems like a pretty bold claim, right? Bumper guards that pay their own way? They must have a reason, right? Bitch, they got three:
- Save you costly front and rear repair bills
- Outlast the lifetime of your car
- Increase your car’s trade-in value
These are incredible reasons, deeply pulled ex recto. Let’s think about each of them:
- Save you costly front and rear repair bills: Really? I mean, I guess for really minor things, like backing into a box spring, sure.
- Outlast the lifetime of your car: How is this helping you? You can take them off and bring them home when you take your car to the scrapyard?
- Increase your car’s trade-in value: Oh yeah, I’m sure some bumper guards on your Vega will about double the price. Easy.
Let’s see what else we got here. Who likes noises? JC has you covered!
First, we have to talk about YELPING. That’s the sound you want from your car alarm, right? The same sort of sound you make when you pinch a little bit of scrotum in a zipper, during some ill-advised experiment in going commando? Or, if you lack a scrotum, perhaps the sound one makes when you accidentally almost sit on your cat? Also, the fact that the illustration uses the gerundive form, yelping, just somehow makes it even better.
Let’s talk about these horns, and how JC Whitney provides multiple equine-inspired horn sounds. What Mustang owner doesn’t long to hear their muscle car whinny, like a fancy show pony, trotting around all proud? Listen to that baby whinny, like a motherloving dressage horse!
If that’s not for you, there’s always the HEE HAW of a donkey to let everyone know you’re someone who appreciates the finer things. Like a donkey.
Also, how did these work, in the days before digital sound recording? Was the realistic “bray of a donkey” stored on a little loop of magnetic tape? A grooved record-like thing? Or just simulated with horns?
I’m a lighting fetishist, as you may recall, and JCW doesn’t forget that. Look at these incredible lighting options:
Why should Saabs have all the headlight wiper fun? They shouldn’t. What if you want headlight wipers, but you’ll be damned if you’ll do any sort of electrical work, and you also are committed to looking like an absolute loon in everything you do? They have a solution, for less than $1.50 per headlight: these propeller-like headlight wiper things, driven by the wind! They must have made your car look absolutely bonkers as it drove, with twin spinning spiral crazy eyes, wiping away grime, blocking your light or causing crazy rotating shadows as you drove. I’d kill to see these in action.
Then there’s that coach light. Who was buying those? What were they putting them on, and why? Did people, like stick one on the roof of a Chevette? Would people use these, with amber bulbs, as indicators for their Thunderbirds? I need to know! Who saw this and thought, hell yeah, that’s what my car needs?
For this one
…I have questions. Well, maybe more doubts. Because, I’m just gonna say this, I do not believe that Rolls-Royce “approved” this polish. I’m just not buying it. And that “famous mirror test”; I like how they describe the process of how a mirror works? There’s even illustrations! Of people encountering their own reflections, with amazement, like they’re birds. Remind me to reach out to Rolls-Royce PR and ask if they still use Special Formula #2 Car Polish.
Oh, J.C. Whitney. You give and give and give.
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The Old JC Whitney Catalog’s Volkswagen Section Still Manages To Surprise Me
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These Strange And Wildly ’70s Toy Cars Are Samples Of A Weird Aesthetic That’s Pretty Much Extinct Now
Every item was hand drawn. True?
On occasion during the 70s and 80s I ordered parts from JC Whitney for both my cars and motorcycles. They typically never list a brand for any of their parts. Some of the stuff was top notch name brand stuff, and some was pretty cheap low quality junk. But all was priced rock bottom
In the mid-90’s I had a 1980 280zx and the JC Whitney catalog was indispensable for acquiring all the plastic pieces that you couldn’t get at the pick and pull lot. Same goes for the two Jeep Cherokee Sports I went through after parenthood rendered the z car impractical.
I bought a lot of stuff from them when I was 16 in the 90s. What I remember is you’d see that little illustration, no reviews or anything to tell if it was legit or not, you’d spend the money and then often times you’d just get total garbage.
The first item is right down my alley. I’m a huge fan of rubber bumper guards, my Renault 4 has those (they’re stock in my late GTL but pretty much any Renault 4 could be optioned with them – or have them deleted – since the mid-60s I think). I’m pretty sure mine saved me from some costly repairs the two times I got rear-ended this year. The second time was so strong, the bumper actually deformed a bit inwards at the top and bottom, forced in by the left rubber guard itself; no crease though, and I give full credit to the rubber guards for that.
I remember in my childhood in 1960’s England, a Volkswagen Beetle came standard with curved C-section bumpers, if you wanted what was termed “American” bumpers with the over-riders and tubular upper member/badge bar that was extra pounds on the order form.
The did make the car a little more resilient to “by ear” parking.
Haha this second time I got rear ended the car was actually parked just outside my door, and it was something of a parking “by ear” situation; some Leroy Merlin moving van parked behind me on a steep incline and when they were leaving they stalled the engine trying to back up; my car was the brakes. My neighbours came to the window because it was such a loud bang. And the fuckers ran off, even if I saw the aftermath from my window as well, and told them I’d be coming down. I was able to take the license plate as they sped off and I’m trying to deal with Leroy Merlin now. Still, can’t imagine what would’ve happened in the exact same situation if there was no rubber guard. Best case scenario I’d probably be looking at a new bumper, and hoping to god it didn’t warp the frame and the bumper mounts didn’t get compromised.
I spent many of my pre-teen and teenage years day dreaming through the JC catalog. So many Jeep parts and accessories.
Coach Lamp! Did people, like stick one on the roof of a Chevette?
Not in 1974 they didn’t! 😉
You could mount one one each front fender and tell people you’re the Viscount of New York. D#4!
Any thoughts on this Autopilot video Jason? (no Big Crash, just a Teslabro Teslabro–ing, with aftermarket red stalks and of all things Yeezys);
https://old.reddit.com/r/IdiotsInCars/comments/10z02mi/patience_peasant_please_wait_for_my_auto_pilot_to/
Looks like someone driving for the first time. I wouldn’t pay thousands to make my car occasionally chauffeured by a deaf guy with a learners permit but many are dumb enough to do that.
In the 80’s I dined out on the basis of having an item listed in the J C Whitney catalog.
Next can we do Honest Charlie’s catalog? “Ain’t got? Can get!”
Am I the only one who thinks the roof they’re showing the coach lamp attached to looks like a 70-74 Mopar E-body, as in Cuda or Challenger? Definitely going for the wrong the target market there!
Jason, Have you not seen Escape from New York? Coach lights are gonna be all the rage someday and some of us who have hoarded dozens of new old stock ones in our garage attics are gonna be rich! I have both clear and amber types, so I’m really gonna be rollin’.
I remember the JC Whitney catalog from my early days of car ownership in the 70s. In addition to the weird stuff they had a pretty good selection of parts, mufflers, shock absorbers, etc., for cheap.
I ordered custom seat covers for my Sprite in a green plaid cloth. Was the cheapest made to fit seat cover I could get. Anyway, shortly after ordering J.C. Whitney declared bankruptcy, weeks passed, somehow I heard about it, and I decided neither my money ($40?) nor me seat covers were ever coming. Months later after all hope was lost, the green plaid seat covers arrived one day, a package, for me? What could it be? Had completely.forgotten until I opened it.. They looked truly awful, but they did fit pretty well. After a few more months I sprang for some real factory pattern covers which I should have bought in the first place.
Seems like I may have ordered another thing or two from them in the era, but don’t remember what. I remember shipping bumpers and rocker panels and all sorts of stuff I wanted but couldn’t afford. Old fashioned paper catalogs like this are a pleasant blast from the past we are not going to ever see again.
last paragraph “shopping” not “shipping”
For all the gadgets and geegaws, the good old newsprint J.C. Whitney catalog also had tons of very useful cheap stuff. My first car was a 1978 Camaro, and they had replacements for everything that always broke on common GM cars. My interior door pulls and console lid replacement came from there.
Later on, same story with a 1977 VW Westfalia camper. I sold it before I splurged for the replacement pop-up canvas.
Loved how you could buy every part for a Model T from that catalog and build your own.
Remember the skull that sat in the rear window? It had red lights in the eye sockets that mimicked the turn signals and brake lights. That and a 1962 Biscayne would be perfection.
I used to get that catalog in the 90s. The mix of useless crap and surprisingly useful stuff was perfect for bathroom reading.
Weirdly, they had the Suspension Techniques springs and sways for a mid to late 80s 300zx.
The ads on any given page ranged all the way from “who buys this crap?” to “holy crap, they sell THOSE?”
I always got a laugh out of their “New and Hot, Too Late To Index” pages of parts in the front part of their latest catalogs (circa early 1980’s)
I ordered a cat-back rear dual exhaust system for my 1980 Mustang 2.3 Notchback from JC Whitney. Did it the old fashioned way which is the way most of us did in that timeframe: sent in a postal money order and waited for the UPS truck to deliver it some 2 weeks later. It arrived in perfect condition and was well made, with Ansa-like 2 outlet tips for each side and a nice, heat resistant black crinkle finish on all of the piping, up to the heavy chrome plated tips. The exhaust fit and sounded perfect, giving the little 2.3 a nice growl. Oh……I also splurged for their “Catalytic Convertor Test Pipe”, which pretty much removed all backpressure save for the Ansa tips. I miss that car and I miss the Whitney of those days.
Bumper guards on a used Vega would, indeed, double the car’s value.
It would probably be the only thing on a typical Vega that would not rust.
10 years ago while helping my Mother clean out the house we grew up in before putting it on the market, I found a stack of Motor Trend magazines along with a 25cent catalog from Midwest Auto Specialties in Cleveland, OH dated 1966. Not sure what I was thinking, but the only marked items I can find are for early 50’s flathead V8 Fords. Especially weird since my car in High School was a 55 Chevy BelAir with the six cylinder and 3 on the tree. Kids huh ?
I have to admit getting a desire for cars I didn’t own simply by seeing all the parts Whitney offered for them. “Hell, I might as well buy one – look at all this stuff they have for them.”
Back in the day I purchased an “Ocean Liner Blast Horn” from JCW in an effort to make the horn on my Capri have some more oomph. That thing sucked.
Sucked? Did you wire it up backwards?
Horns in modern cars are pathetic. I search salvage yards for horns from the great land barges of yore. Evidently I’m not the only one, because I can never find them.
I don’t think it sucked, I think it blowed
The coach light! In the 70’s my father decided his old Ford Econoline work truck should be reborn as a camper/conversion van. He molded a fiberglass extended roof where we slept and the interior lights up there were those JC Whitney coach lights. The whole van was loaded with Whitney goodies. Great memories!
I hope you had 12v plugs back there for the J.C. Whitney 12v coffeemaker and electric blanket.
Do you remember when they were the Warshawsky catalogs? 🙂 They were called that up to the early 1970s, just before your catalog was published.
In the very early 1990s I mail-ordered a full set of carpet for the ’72 Super Beetle from them. It didn’t have sewn/bound edges but it fit well and looked good. While installing it I discovered that even with both doors open the fumes from the spray adhesive would collect in the footwell. D’oh.
They had a ridiculous amount of stuff for air-cooled VWs, including (IIRC) the Rolls Royce fiberglass front hoods. Classy!
The store in Chicago was Warchawsky & Co well into the 1980s, if I recall.
I did not know they had a retail location!
That would have been very interesting, like a car-focused Harbor Freight with elements of Wish.com.
I’m pretty sure you could have built an entire Beetle OR an entire Jeep out of the J.C. Whitney catalog.
True. Entire Jeep bodies could be purchased out of steel or fiberglass. If I only had money back then….
Weren’t they the originators of the Giant Suction Cup Windup Key?
Also, the yelping horn could work on some of us. If we anthropomorphize our cars, a yelp might elicit the same response that we get when we step on a dog’s tail- I certainly react more to that than I do a random honk on the freeway.
I always thought a recording of a full screeching brakes, tire squealing, Bad Mojo visiting you Right Now with added semi truck horn undertones sound effect would be the ideal horn sound.
Many years ago a neighbor had a car alarm that would go off at all hours. That was bad enough but the thing screamed “HELP!!! HELP ME!!” in the voice of a small child.
That’s certainly more effective than a regular alarm since no one pays attention to those, people just hope it stops soon.
I always wondered if some of the weirdest stuff was ever ordered – I mean, its a largish country, and JC Whitney did have big circulation, so the odds are somebody – somewhere – wanted a rooftop coach lamp or a fake vinyl sunroof decal, but its very hard to imagine. Were they make on demand, or was everything actually in stock in a warehouse somewhere?
Given that the 70s was before the era of Lean Manufacturing, I expect there was stock of sunroof decals just waiting to be sold.
… and waiting, and waiting…
Whitney was a reseller. Odd items that may or may not sell they’d buy on Net 30 and string you out for 90 then return things that didn’t sell only paying you for what did. So basically they were a rack jobber.
Those wipers make me wish the propeller beanies all the nerds on TV wore in the eighties were connected to the eyeglass wipers all the nerds on TV wore in the eighties. That could have been a thing on something like Head of the Class.