You might want to ask your children to step out of the room, lest they be frightened by the sight of this behemoth. This is the new BMW XM, and although it may look bad, I promise that its appearance isn’t its most troubling part.
Upon seeing leaked photos earlier this year, I had hope that maybe the XM wouldn’t look so bad. There’s a chance that under the protective wrapping, BMW cleaned up some of the fussy details on the front clip. Nope. Claus Luthe is rolling over in his grave so violently that Olaf Scholz could hook up a generator and use Luthe’s corpse to solve the German energy crisis. It’s like the design team was given a budget of eight pixels and told to make do.
While there are some interesting ideas on the XM when viewed in a vacuum, the composition leaves much to be desired. Chicken vindaloo tastes good, and a milkshake also tastes good, but I wouldn’t want a chicken vindaloo milkshake, if you catch my drift. Also, these wheels look like they’re from a Hummer H2, just scaled up to cartoonish levels through the Xerox. The standard front tire size is 275/35R23, which seems a bit stupid. Do you really want an SUV with just 3.8 inches of sidewall?
Things aren’t any better in the power department. Care to guess how much the S68 twin-turbo V8 makes in this application? Nope, just 483 horsepower. That’s 40 horsepower fewer than the X7 M60i. The XM’s detuned S68 is, however, assisted by an electric motor, which earns a dismissive wanking gesture from me. While electric assistance of 194 horsepower is fine, and peak combined output of 644 horsepower is more than an Alpina XB7 makes, BMW’s committed a cardinal sin here.
See, electrification is very heavy, so it only makes sense to use a lighter gasoline engine if you’re seeking reasonable range and performance from a plug-in hybrid. Something like the S58 inline-six found in the BMW M3, for example. BMW has instead gone with a fairly heavy V8 to pair with a 19.2 kWh battery pack, which means that the XM weighs 6,062 pounds. I repeat, 6,062 pounds.
In an attempt to counteract the massive curb weight of the XM, BMW’s fitted it with four-wheel-steering. That explains why the steering ratio is a rather slow 16.2:1. However, four-wheel-steering likely won’t be able to overcome the laws of physics. Trust me, there hasn’t been a single three-ton vehicle I’ve driven that hasn’t felt its weight in the corners. Oh, and heavy cars take a lot of energy to move, which explains why the XM has a projected all-electric range of just 30 miles from a relatively capacious battery pack and the same 4.1-second zero-to-sixty time as an X5 M50i.
While BMW’s pumped out some really innovative interiors lately, the interior on the production XM isn’t one of them. The dashboard is a fairly standard mix of leather, metal, and plastic, nothing like the crazy illuminated trim seen on the new 7-Series. While the color combination shown in the press photos is certainly outlandish, BMW isn’t exactly known for only offering reserved interior colors. The blue-and-yellow combination on the new M3 comes immediately to mind, as do some of the crazier Individual program requests. The only really interesting thing going on in here is the prism-like Alcantara headliner. A bit of a shame considering how much further BMW could’ve taken things.
So, let’s recap. The BMW XM is no quicker from zero-to-sixty than an X5 M50i, has a turbocharged V8 engine less powerful than the S58 found in the M3 Competition, weighs as much as a rhinoceros, and looks like some horrible accident happened to the clay model. This isn’t an Ultimate Driving Machine. This is a hideous, warthog-nosed, bloated, 6,000-pound oaf of a vehicle, designed to be bought by people you’d never want round for dinner. What’s more, this is supposed to be BMW’s centerpiece for the 50th birthday of its M division. It’s the least-M M-car BMW makes. Anyway, if you have poor taste and far too much money to spend, the XM will start at $159,995 including a $995 freight charge. Yes, that’s in American dollars.
For those of you who actually made it to the end of this article, here’s a brief palate cleanser.
Yep, much better. Now there’s a wonderful XM.
Lead photo credit: BMW
To me, this personifies why I’m mostly sad at the waste inherent as we move to everything SUV.
SUV have their uses, absolutely, things they can do better than any other configuration. But trying to make SUVs into something they’re inherently not (like performance vehicles) seems so wasteful of automotive scarce resources.
Like making giant heavy things fast and handle well means adding tech and engineering to achieve what could have been acquired much more cheaply by not making them giant and heavy in the first place. Which would in term have freed up those resources for other good uses, like keeping prices down or improving safety.
I get why this is happening, just sad from a driving enthusiast pov I guess.
BMW has become like the once handsome actor who has decided to hit the gym, get tattoos, piercings, try martial combat sports, get the shi- kicked out of them, got really bad plastic surgery, go into a depression, and now is appearing in reality TV in the states, and foreign movies and tv made by dodgy producers.
I’ve heard it said that men and sports cars all get fatter, heavier, and slower with each year/redesign, but come on…
So you have 650 kg of useful load, (that includes fuel) before you need a heavy goods vehicle license in Europe.
Guess it will not have a tow bar.
And they will include a diet book for the missus, and kids, and dog…
are those… vertically stacked faux tail pipes?
I cannot wait for the politely disappointed Frank Stephenson video for this one.
From the interior shot, it’s nice to see they’re including a dash toupee as standard equipment….
To follow up on my other comment (you guys REALLY need an updated commenting system to allow editing) –
This is high-fashion design, where the “art” is to create an emotional response and “ugly” or “beautiful” doesn’t really factor into it. If it makes you feel something (sick is a feeling) then it’s working. The way it works in commercial design is by social proofs – Wealthy people that buy into the art theme can spend cash to get noticed and make a statement – They know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea and they don’t care. In many cases, it’s not even THEIR cup of tea but it screams “screw you, I do what I want!” so strong that the price of admission is worth it for the statement alone. Sadly, because of the misguided belief that wealth buys taste, this group of people set the luxury goods fashion trends – “Rich people buy it, and so being seen in one is to signify my wealth and status and this means other models that look like this should do the same.” Once enough people buy into this image you create a social proof influence bias – If they do it, maybe I should too. Then the design is accepted as “luxury” and the luxury trend swings in favor of the design based. After all, “if people buy it, they must like it and the design must be good.” Then it filters to other luxury models in the brand, gets copied by the competition (especially in the German brands), and eventually infects the mainstream market as people want to look stylish and in trend with the current luxury design mood but not pay the price.
Long story short – Ugliness is not a determinant of success in this market niche, only “boldness”, and unfortunately success in this market guides mainstream design trends. MORE UGLY GERMAN CARS ARE COMING.
Also, 6000 lbs! That’s 500 lbs MORE than my 80 series with me in it!
It’s ugly but also a challenging price point for BMW. The brand’s highest end offerings have traditionally struggled against Mercedes and the super premium brands like Bentley. I don’t think this will be any different even as a bespoke M model.
If you’re going to be fat, than by 6,000 pounds fat:
“The 6,000-pound vehicle tax deduction is a rule under the federal tax code that allows people to deduct up to $25,000 of a vehicle’s purchasing price on their tax return. The vehicle purchased must weigh over 6,000 pounds, according to the gross vehicle weight rating (GVWR).”
“Be.” EDIT BUTTON
Must not make “yo mamma” joke about the headline…
“…which earns a dismissive wanking gesture from me.”
That Beetlejuice GIF seems relevant to more and more situations these days.
Also, this BMWarthog is about as heavy as the lightest trim of the F-250, which is meant to carry another ton or so.
This doesn’t look like a BMW to me. Obviously, the massive nostrils say it is (and, what’s with the gold surround on those?), but, without those, I’d struggle to guess what this is. Sadly, they couldn’t leave it at ‘meh’. Those sawtooth lights flanking the grills really look horrid.
I think BMW designers have been using the design brief of “lets see if we can normalize ugly” for a few years now. I wish it wasn’t working.
It looks like everybody on the committee got their wish.
I miss the old BWM. Manual transmissions. Restrained design. Class. All gone now.
My nemesis Juke Lights strikes again! Daaaaamn youuuu Juke Lights *shakes fist at sky*
That Citroen looks like an uglier version of an early 90s GM W body sedan.
Sorry, but you’re wrong, objectively speaking
I’m more surprised than I should be that French car fanboys always show up to defend their objectively hideous vehicles.
I mean, it’s a Bertone design, so all criticism must be levelled at the Italians.
There’s hitting with an ugly stick and then there’s this…beaten mercilessly with an ugly stick
It’s hideous! …They wont’ be able to make enough.
They appear to have copied the VinFast President.
Hah. I saw the headline picture and muttered to myself “Oh my god” and *then* noticed the text overlay. Clearly a pretty universal reaction!
Mein eyes! Ze goggles do nozing!
Are you a Chinese customer? No? Then BMW doesn’t give a damn what you think.
Chinese people have eyes and their market is moving quite heavily to EV-only. It might not be a great fit even if they can overlook the styling for perceived status.
There’s still a big market for ‘extended-range EVs’, or what we in the West call PHEVs, so I guess that’s what BMW is aiming to capture. Still, as the Chinese OEMs start moving towards smoother and more well-formed shapes you have to wonder if BMW’s ‘Western heritage’ will be enough for them to accept the crap that Munich is pumping out these days. I’d really like to see and understand the inspiration for making it look this way; even the Hongqi LS7 is comparatively restrained and cohesive, if chrome-heavy.
Jesus wept. That’s one ugly thing.
I agree on the headliner, though.
nothing about automated blinkers? a shame.