This country is too damn big. It’s unreasonable. Especially in this big middle part with the massive skies and the never-ending flat ribbons of road and the constant powerful cross-winds that make towing this heavy-ass Golden Eagle feel like going down a waterslide. What are we doing with this much country? I guess it’s nice to have the storage space but damn does it take a long time to drive across. Especially when one of us seems to have gotten food poisoning, or something similar that ended with David vomiting into a cheap motel toilet in the night, which sounded like someone dumping a metal garbage can full of chili into a the sucking maw of a hippo. Anyway, things are going great.
Before we left our Lebanon, Missouri motel, Otto and I did our tight five prop comedy bit that ended with me receiving mild burns to my earlobe:
That moment when @JasonTorchinsky uses a hairdryer as a phone and his son Otto turns it on. pic.twitter.com/586ZvtqDPc
— David Tracy (@davidntracy) December 28, 2022
We made it to Neosho, Missouri for lunch, which was kindly provided by our fellow motor-vehicle-word-sayer, Caleb Jacobs, truck-man at The Drive. It was fantastic! We even took a constitutional around the town square and enjoyed a bunch of Ozarkian goodness.
@davidntracy, @JasonTorchinsky, and his son Otto made time for lunch with me at my family’s restaurant today! Wish ‘em luck as they move David to LA. Not that they need luck, of course! They have each other ❤️ pic.twitter.com/wVuU2TMO0p
— Caleb Jacobs (@calebjacobs0611) December 29, 2022
Things took a turn sometime after lunch, though. David made the rookie mistake of eating what must have been a cubic meter of mashed potatoes, so all he wanted to do after that was sleep, which, as you experienced roadtrippers know, is not ideal for making good time.
We debated just rolling David into the ditch and moving boldly on without him, but we revived him, installed him in the Mustang, put a brick on the gas pedal, and pressed on.
It's going GREAT https://t.co/36R1GA5QYo pic.twitter.com/CDaiQbY8wy
— The Autopian (@the_autopian) December 28, 2022
A shocking amount of the remaining drive was on this interminable turnpike in Oklahoma, named, I believe, for Nathan Interminable, the man who invented the concept of never shutting the fuck up. It’s long and straight and has zero exits so if you have to pee, as Otto and I did, you have a choice of either soaking your pants in redolent urine or pulling onto the shoulder and ejecting steaming arcs of the foul liquid, which was the path we chose. I’m still not certain it was the better choice. [Ed Note: Pulling over on a small shoulder as cars zoomed by at 80 mph was sketchy, but this toll road just kept going with zero exits! -DT].
Who wants a crazy long highway with almost no exits? Not me. What if I forgot to get gas? Stupid.
Somewhere along the way, I noticed David driving slower and a little more, um, serpentine, so we stopped at a fun rest stop that arched over the road and had this fun hanging sculpture of an early Corvette:
At some point, David must have eaten something he either bought or found, or maybe something just crawled into his mouth; it’s not clear, but it was doing something to him, and when we stopped again for gas he was not looking well. At all. He was slumped over and looked miserable. I got him some Gatorade and elixirs and we made the call to find the next place to stop.
We got to the hotel and David complained of chills and aches, so I got some ibuprofen for him, which he refused to take until Otto told him to “stop being a child and take the pills.” Suitably chastised [Ed Note: And embarrassed. -DT], he took them, but then vomited everything up a bit later in a torrential gush of semi-digested ichor. Drained, he fell into a deep, dark slumber.
This morning, he must be feeling better because he woke up and immediately started eating from a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos that somehow found its way into his bed. I think that’s a good sign.
We’re gonna try for Santa Fe today, maybe farther. Wish us luck!
Otto.
When the child becomes the parent!
Otto the Autopian…. documentation…. lawyers…. therapists……. future
Santa Fe is an hour north of i40. Ya sure ya didn’t mean Albuquerque?
Hope they don’t make the same mistake Bugs Bunny did!
Lots of places to pee through Nebraska on I-80. We’re famous for having lots of places to pee. Just saying.
The sound of puke hitting a trashcan is awesome. A good puke sounds squishy and sloppy, making a *BLAT* noise as it splatters the trash can.
I can do an accurate impression of a dog trying to puke(noise only, no actual puke exchanged and can’t do the puke splattering sounds). The thought to try it at a restaurant meeting with the pair didn’t cross my mind though. Probably wouldn’t have been a welcome spectacle.
Also, there’s an indie videogame called Death Trash that has a puke bar. Y’all should check it out.
This post is dedicated to punk rocker and friend of GG Allin, Johnny Puke. Because the world needs more puke.
Also, on the subject of Oklahoma rest stops on the toll roads, all you get are a few gas stations every 40+ miles, one with a built-in McDonalds that arches over the highway near the border with Missouri. If you miss an exit, you’re screwed. The rest stops that are around, are decent though. I’ve seen some rest stops in other locations where the toilet stalls are tiny half-walls where people can see you from the torso up as you sit, and of which have no doors on the front. But at least there is a restroom available, unlike for long stretches of Oklahoma where the only choice is to hold it or go outside. With 80 mph traffic zipping by, that is quite brave.
I look forward to Otto’s future career in standup. He’s got a good head start on the facial expressions. Head slap! His name is Auto!
And someday soon I hope he starts his own regularly-appearing column here, entitled The Ottopian!
Otto, please keep in touch as you continue to grow up. I’m really looking forward to reading your eventual book about growing up ‘Torch… Guessing you’ll get at least a chapter or two out of this whole experience.
He’s gonna need the book royalties for the therapy bills
Is that snow tires on the mustang? Isn’t that cheating?
No. He said it has Douglas all-seasons on it. I’ve got a ’99 Corolla that came with those on it. They’re shockingly not that bad … until the temperature drops below 40 degrees freedom units. At which point they become hard as rocks.
Pretty sure he said he would put winter tires on it, going the sketchier route is pretty on-brand.
Well, the time I had to drive from Sheppard AFB, Texas to Sacramento, Ca. hung over and dry heaving across Death Valley wasn’t a lot of fun. David, I know how you feel. Except I was driving Porsche 911SC, and didn’t have Jason and Otto behind me.
You know, could have been worse. Yes the middle of the country looks remarkably similar to the last bit you just drove through. But ‘Never-ending Flat Ribbons of Roads.” This is rather a luxury not enjoyed in much of the rest of the world. Having just done a project in Namibia and South Africa, I drove 9,522 km on mostly dirt roads. Now South Africa has a goodly number of nice roads, my project required I drive the less than paved ones. Namibia has huge stretches of dirt roads, probably the nicest ones I have ever driven. They really are attentive to keeping the washboard and ruts at bay. So yes moan at the monotony, but appreciate they are nicely paved.
I wonder…. carbon monoxide poisoning from driving a pre-catalyst car with all the windows up for hours, and hours and hours at a time? The symptoms sure check out. I know driving with the windows open is no fun when it’s cold but seriously, this is serious.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/carbon-monoxide/symptoms-causes/syc-20370642
Of course it could just be David got too much soap in the Spaghettio’s when he took his shower…..
I think you nailed it. I was raised in Indiana in the 1960s and every winter were warned to always keep a car window cracked open. It was easier then with all the cars having that handy-dandy vent window.
He did say he was having trouble staying awake. Might be worth putting a sensor in the car.
CO sensor and windows down the rest of the way to LA. It’s the only way to show off pillarless-hardtop styling anyway.
Actual COTD
Gents, you may want to pick up one of these: https://www.lowes.com/pd/First-Alert-Carbon-Monoxide-Detector/1000456461
While a shower dining incident was my first thought when I read the headline, you’re not crazy for thinking about the possibility of carbon monoxide (CO) poisoning. Not to rain on a fantastic and appropriately humorous posting by Jason but CO is considered an insidious and common enough problem that in the general aviation community most of us fly with at least some rudimentary form of CO detection ability in our small aircraft. For example this inexpensive item: https://www.sportys.com/carbon-monoxide-detector.html
It can get much more advanced (and expensive) from there.
Hell now that the idea is in my head, in retrospect I wish I’d sent one or two of the extras I’ve got to David just for peace of mind.
In a car, pre or post catalyst shouldn’t matter, rather the presence of an exhaust leak and ability for said exhaust to find its way into the car. Even if the exhaust is perfectly sound, a leak at the rear of the car, like a bad trunk seal or tail light seals could allow exhaust to be pulled into the car. Here’s hoping it was just tainted shower pasta and it’s out of his system now!
Doesn’t the catalytic converter convert CO from the engine into CO2? I am not an exhaust scientist, but this has been my (possibly uninformed) understanding for years.
You’re correct, one of the things it does is reduce CO, although there’s sadly enough recent evidence that there’s still enough CO produced by cars with modern catalysts to overcome someone if the exhaust gets trapped in the car.
And there’s also the possibility of an exhaust leak upstream of the catalyst.
Catalytic converter in a ’66 Mustang? I wouldn’t bet on it.
I don’t think anyone thought that, we were talking about how it doesn’t really matter if a car does or doesn’t have a catalyst, you can still get CO poisoning despite the CO reduction capabilityof the converter.
This is a strong possibility, I’d at least get a battery CO2 detector and also drive with a window cracked, see what happens
Monoxide, not 2
Otto for King Autopian!
Poor David! (And poor Jason & Otto!) Good that all seems to be going well now.
Great picture of Jason & Otto with the sky in the background! Jason, what gives with the Haverford College sweatshirt? Did you actually go to a Pennsylvian Quaker liberal arts college smaller than most public high schools or did you get that sweatshirt in a thrift shop?
“…which sounded like someone dumping a metal garbage can full of chili into a the sucking maw of a hippo…” – May be the best description of this unholy act I’ve ever read. Kudos.
I love that prose.
y’know, I’ve always heard one’s morning poop referred to as a “constitutional”, but I’m guessing (hoping) that wasn’t what you did “round the town square”
I had the same thought!
This had to be said. The mental image …
The word “constitutional”, when used as a noun, means a walk – not a poop. At some point, someone started referring to dog walks as “constitutional” because such a formal-sounding old-fashioned word is funny when describing something as mundane as walking the dog around the block. But since one of the main purposes of a dog walk is… well… digestive in nature… it’d come as no surprise that many have conflated the two.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/constitutional
This brilliant piece proves once again that Torch is one of the best writers out there (wherever ‘out there’ is). I mean I feel kinda bad for David but this was laugh-out-loud funny. Good luck guys.
I feel like this country has been yearning for a replacement for Dave Barry and Jason has graciously stepped into the role. This article was fantastic.
That’s a 10/10 headline. Safe travels, guys. I fully expect David to sleep for a week once he gets to LA.
The puking could also be the result of iron withdrawals. I doubt David has been keeping up with his daily rust intake while on this trip. Quick! Give him a fender to chew on!
Ichor.
Beautiful.
Ichor
1. GREEK MYTHOLOGY
the fluid that flows like blood in the veins of the gods.
2. ARCHAIC
a watery discharge from a wound.
I had to look up ichor. I *thought* I had a large vocabulary, but Torch bested me.
We need a report from Otto about this trip!!!
Yep. Without Otto it sounds like they’d still be in Michigan.
I want to see if he has a unique style of prose nailed down already after being raised by Torch.
COTD
I feel like Otto is the adult in the room.
Otto is the only one in the bunch who would have had the sense to call a car hauler and a moving company for this trip.
Can we have a vote for who is in charge from here on out? Is there any way to contact Otto directly to encourage a mutiny?
At the worst, Otto would have done no less packing than David.
Don’t worry, he’ll grow out of it.
Sweet baby Jesus – good luck
I see Otto’s got the “can you believe this guy??” face down pat.
His dad is Torch. He’s had plenty of opportunities to practice that look.
Gentlemen you all legends. Especially Otto
You motherfuckers should’ve just gotten a POD and a plane ticket
Their luck, it would have been a Southwest plane ticket….